Fushi no Kami - Corrections Topic

myskaros

This is the dedicated topic for posting suggested corrections for Fushi no Kami.

Currently in prepublication: Volume 2! - link to discussion topic

MasterLillyclaw

The V2 summary isn't showing, not sure if that's a bug or it just hasn't been input yet.

Part 1, 17-19%:

"First, I needed to take care of food production. More food equaled more people, which in turn increased the potential for talented human resources whom I could drag in as collaborators."

I think the second sentence would flow better as "More food meant more people, which in turn would increase the potential for talented human resources whom I could drag in as collaborators." Saying 'equaled' and 'increased' makes it sound like it happened in the past, rather than the hypothetical Ash is pondering.

pcj

Volume 2 - Part 1

[31%] In a situation like his, -> this

Terabyte

Volume 2 - Part 1:

[71%] “It’s oka—“ ► The dialogue's closing double quote is wrongly a starting one.
[73%] wait here until someone comes to show you the way” ► Missing period.

Terabyte

Volume 2 - Part 3:

[42%] “Hehe, don’t worry about it! I’ll hold down the stool” ► Missing punctuation.
[83%] How wonderful!“How wonderful!” I was so impressed ► Missing space.

jcochran

78% ..., but the cut covering up his right eye ...
Shouldn't that be "patch"?

LIbri Liberorum

60%

"I thought I'd received a good education, but Ash's putting me to shame."
"Ash's" -> "Ash is" (or perhaps even "Ash's is")

77%

It looked like Lord Arthur and Lady Reina, who both came from affluent families, ...

I thought Reina's mother was described as being a 'maid'? Should this perhaps be retroactively changed to something like "lady in waiting"?

Terabyte

@LIbri-Liberorum said in Fushi no Kami - Corrections Topic:

77%

It looked like Lord Arthur and Lady Reina, who both came from affluent families, ...

I thought Reina's mother was described as being a 'maid'? Should this perhaps be retroactively changed to something like "lady in waiting"?

Maika knows that Reina's mother is a maid, but this is written from Ash's POV and he doesn't know that yet(?).

pcj

@Terabyte also, not every maid is a commoner, especially ones that serve royalty. Often times maids that serve royalty are lower-ranking nobles.

pcj

Volume 2 - Part 3

[48%] He looked to be enjoying himself more than myself. -> this feels awkward but I'm not sure what to replace it with without knowing the intent. Perhaps "more than me"?
[65%] I’m sorry for making your worry back then. -> you
~~[81%] How wonderful!“How wonderful!” -> missing space before the first quote~~ already reported
[89%] Don’t just stand there, come help and prepare dinner! -> and help

MasterLillyclaw

Volume 2, Part 4

19%: "Intimation was supposed to be a last resort." -> should be Intimidation

Terabyte

Volume 2 - Part 4:

[8%] I could not really afford to standby for that long. ► It should be stand by (space)?
[16%] a glowing red face. “Y-Y-you can count on me!!” ► It should be You (Capitalized)?
~~[18%] Intimation was supposed to be a last resort. ► It should be Intimidation.~~ Already reported.
[41%] “This is—“ ► The dialogue's closing double quote is wrongly a starting one.

pcj

Volume 2 - Part 4:

[11%] Lady Reina excelled most other students at the academy. → excelled more than
[17%] Intimation was supposed to be a last resort. → intimidation (already reported)

LIbri Liberorum

part 5
1%

... the inadequate use of human excreta ...

sounds like 'didn't use enough'. Perhaps 'inappropriate use' or 'careless use'.

35%

"I'm not sure someone gentle would concoct a poison..."

but the previous mention of poison seems to be only Maika's internal dialog.

pcj

Volume 2 - Part 5

[6%] The restraint expression on her face → restrained
[26%] “Don’t you know? I’d love to tell you, but if I start talking about your father, I’m going to be here for a long time,” Sir George replied with a wry smile. It looked like he had come with some business. It was not usual for a teacher to visit the dormitory before breakfast. → is this supposed to be in the same paragraph? I'm pretty sure this is a scene change in the middle of this paragraph. The quote at the beginning is at the end of the practice match the day before, the second sentence at breakfast the next morning.

Terabyte

Volume 2 - Part 6:

[87%] girl of high social status and I an heterosexual boy. ► It should be a.

pcj

@Terabyte said in Fushi no Kami - Corrections Topic:

Volume 2 - Part 6:

[87%] girl of high social status and I an heterosexual boy. ► It should be a.

Actually... It's probably good as is. See https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/is-it-a-or-an

mlindner

Is there a mistranslation? Ash says the poor convicts clean themselves with Lye, but Lye is sodium hydroxide, which you can make hard soap from. Was it not Lye but something else?

MasterLillyclaw

@pcj Personally I think that article just reiterates that it should be a rather than an. I agree with it explaining that it's about the 'sound' rather than the 'letter' of the word - but I don't know of anyone who pronounces heterosexual as 'eterosexual, unless it's some character in a book saying something like "'Ey, we got an 'eterosexual o'er 'ere!"

The a/an case isn't applicable to all words that start with 'h' anyways - we have "a human," "a hospital," "a house," etc.

Terabyte

Volume 2 - Part 7:

[20%] Lady Maika made that day, I couldn>’t see her face ► It should be couldn’t. Remove extra >.
[20%] expression or facing everyone’s judgemental stares, ► It should be judgmental (US spelling).
[41%] “It’s ‘cos you walked back! I know how you feel, but ► It should be ’cos (different ’ ).
[44%] I did not say, “Here comes the airplane!”. Observing ► Remove the period.
[63%] use the same approach, you will be able to solve it!” ► It should be them (the problems; plural).
[83%] you’re doing anymore these days! That’s not fair!”. ► Remove the period.