Slayers - Correction Topic


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    This is the dedicated topic for posting suggested corrections for Slayers.

    Currently in prepublication: Volume 5! - link to discussion topic


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    Volume 4 - Part 1:

    • [72%] Incidentally, It was just the four of us ► It should be it (lowercase).

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    "Master Phil" reads like an oxymoron. Is it because there's a "-sama" honorific in the original? Dialog (and courtesy towards royalty) is one thing, but Lina does not seem to have a huge amount of respect for the man, so seeing this in the first-person narration is simply weird.
    The effect is exacerbated by how basically everyone is referred to as "Master X" in this chapter...


  • Translators

    @pip25 said in Slayers - Correction Topic:

    "Master Phil" reads like an oxymoron. Is it because there's a "-sama" honorific in the original? Dialog (and courtesy towards royalty) is one thing, but Lina does not seem to have a huge amount of respect for the man, so seeing this in the first-person narration is simply weird.
    The effect is exacerbated by how basically everyone is referred to as "Master X" in this chapter...

    Lina doesn't personally like Phil but she does have respect for him, which is what the honorific (in Japanese and English) reflects. Similar to her use of it with Talim in Vol. 2, where it was actually lampshaded in the text.


  • Member

    @Liz
    I honestly did not notice that part in volume 2 (I also did not read all of it yet), and, if used sparingly, I might have missed it in this chapter too. But it's basically everywhere.
    Also, Phil and Amelia just happen to be well-known characters outside the novels as well. Given Lina's personality and her relationship with Phil in Slayers, this... well, it sounds astonishingly formal. "Mistress Amelia" is similarly eyebrow-raising.

    Also, a missing word I found in the first chapter:
    "Beg your pardon," he immediately replied, bowing deeply.


  • Translators

    @pip25

    Yeah, I felt the conspicuous concentration of it in the text myself and tried to keep it to a minimum, so if it's still being distracting that's a sign we need to find a clean way to reduce it further. (I don't want to eliminate it entirely, though, as I like the highlighting of who Lina does and doesn't honorific)

    As far as Amelia goes (spoilers for later in the novel)


  • Member

    @Liz
    We can use a lot of variants here:

    • In volume 3 Sylphiel addressed Gourry as "Sir Gourry", why not use that here also? "Sir" could be employed elsewhere as well, maybe for Clophel?
    • People not among the royalty or the palace staff could simply be referred to as "Mr. Name", especially in Uncle Grey's case, where we only know his last name
    • "Prince Phil" doesn't work for obvious reasons (it's a running gag), but the same does not apply to Amelia, so "Princess Amelia" could be a valid alternative.
    • Not sure if it fits any character in this chapter, but the Lord/Lady titles may also be considered

    Unfortunately, I can't think of an alternative honorific/title for Phil himself, but maybe "Master Phil" won't sound so bad when the other characters are being addressed differently.


  • Translators

    @pip25 You know, I was wondering if "Sir" might be the answer, so I'm pleased that it's one of your options. I initially resisted it as I liked the detail that she's using the same title for him that she uses for other basic male authority figures like Talim and Grey, but it's definitely more wieldy, and not inappropriate for a man of his station.

    (With Sylphiel to Gourry it's meant to come off as a bit overly fawning, but Gourry is also just a mercenary commoner [as far as any of us knows] so I think it does its job independently of how Phil is treated)

    I'll talk it over with Megan some -- we'll see if just changing Phil's title releases some of the pressure and if not we'll go from there.


  • Member

    @Liz
    Thank you very much. :) This attention to reader feedback is greatly appreciated.


  • Premium Member

    Volume 4 - Part 2:

    • [10%] gave his name.. Such a polite assassin!” ► It should be 3 periods. (Or duplicate period?)
    • [38%] That shut him up ► Missing period.

  • Member

    I'm curious what the other readers' impressions are, but to me the new titles sound a lot better. Even "Master Kanzel" works great at the start of the chapter, since it gives off an air of insincerity. :)

    A couple of things I've found:

    • At around one third of the chapter: "I had to say, it felt like a line." Was this meant to be "pickup line", or am I misunderstanding something?
    • Next page: "It was such a shocking statement that both Lord Clophel and I both looked around in panic. (One of the boths is unnecessary.)

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    Volume 4 - Part 3:

    • [79%] “Enough with the buildup. It’s Christopher, right? ► The dialogue's closing double quote is missing.
    • [91%] Oh, right.... He’s got magic too. ► It should be 3 periods.

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    Volume 4 - Part 3

    • [69%] This world ordinarily be where you finished a guy off would

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    Volume 4 - Part 3:

    • [8%]: "Gourry! The light!" I guess this makes perfect sense in the original, since it's the very same phrase which activates the Sword of Light, but since that is translated as "Light come forth" (for good reason) I'm not sure it's obvious what Lina is referring to here.
    • [34%]: "(...) a large pile of oversized rubbish." This isn't necessarily redundant, I'm just wondering if both the pile and the stuff making up the pile were meant to be described as large.
    • [77%]: "Zuma kicked off the floor. He then planted a hand on the ceiling(...)" Just on the previous page, "kick off the ground" was used as a way to describe Lina dashing, but based on the next sentence Zuma is actually jumping here.
    • [88%]: "(...) and come after us outright." Shouldn't this be "came"?
    • [91%]: "At last, our little parade came out one the main avenue." Should be "on" I think.

  • Premium Member

    Volume 4 - Part 4:

    • [96%] I feel like maybe that should be that in these reprints. ► Remove second that?

  • Member

    Volume 4 - Part 4:

    • [44%]: "Yeah, I know, sounds like a fishy story." (missing Y)
    • [63%]: "(...) shooting four thread-like peals(...)" No dictionary definition I could find has anything for "peal" as a noun that would fit here, so I assume this is some kind of typo.
    • [66%]: "No duh, bro!" Maybe it's just me, but "bro" sounds a bit weird coming from Lina's mouth (or thoughts). Or I'm just hopelessly old. XP
    • [66%] "(...)fury written across his face."
    • [75%] "An ecstatic smile on his face(...)" and also [86%] "A broad smile flashed across his lips."
      A page ago Kanzel was described as no longer having a mouth. Could be an issue with the original description though.

  • Premium Member

    Volume 5 - Part 1:

    • [4%] ‘We’re already cleaned out, so don’t bother’, are ya?” ► Move the comma inside the quotes.
    • [71%] The lack of sleep was clearly affecting her judgement. ► It should be judgment (US spelling).

  • Member

    Volume 5 - Part 1:

    • [34%]: "I was too listening. I just forgot." I think "too" is unneeded here.
    • [56%]: "A round building lined with spectator seats fanned out around a central arena. The upper rows were mostly caved in(...)" This, along with the illustration later on gives the impression of an amphitheater, which isn't underground nor does it have any kind of ceiling that can "cave in". I think "collapsed" would probably fit better.
    • [92%]: "What?!" Balgumon, despite the fact that he should've been blinded, dodged me effortlessly. This sentence, especially with the current word order, gives the confusing initial impression that it was Balgumon who said "What?!", while it was actually Lina. The easiest fix would be to put the dialog on its own line.
    • [97%]: "That damned monk!" The mysterious newcomer Feltis is referring to is a priest, not a monk. :) This will become important later. :)

  • Translators

    @pip25 Don't worry, the word Feltis uses is different from what that character will introduce themself as. :) I'll consider an alternative just so it looks less suspicious, maybe just going with a derogatory term.


  • Member

    @Liz Ah, I see. Thanks for the info. :)


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