Banner of the Stars - Corrections Topic
This is the dedicated topic for posting suggested corrections for Banner of the Stars.
Currently in prepublication: Volume 6!
More suggestions than corrections.
"Come," the Empress ordered -> Perhaps "Step forth" or "Come forth" might capture the nuance better. I'm assuming the empress said something along the lines of 来い or the like.
"the operation writ" -> operational writ, or operation's writ
Volume 5 Part 2
13% - I'm find with the usual food -> I'm fine with the usual food
I'm a bit ambivalent on the usage of Platoon for the Capital Defense Platoon, simply because platoon implies a very, very small and hierarchically low ranked unit organization. Considering the nature of the unit, might I suggest Capital Defense Corps, or if the intent is to imply a small, select group, Capital Defense Cadre.
Volume 5 Part 3
Jinto was about to asked what the imperial treasures - Jinto was about to ask what the imperial treasures
The Watchguard Fleet comprised eight sub-fleets - Ordering is reversed here. Either, "The Watchguard Fleet was comprised of eight sub-fleets," or "Eight sub-fleets comprised the Watchguard Fleet"
Each of the subfleets were - Each of the sub-fleets was
Volume 5 Part 4
She dressed himself - Presumably should be herself
I;'m presuming upon my soldiers' heroic resolve - Extra ; in the I'm
That cleared up one question, but that wasn;'t what - Extra ; again
Volume 5 Part 6
38% - released from their duties as Capital Defense Platoon members - Capital should also be boldded.
Dusahn ascended the stairs
,and was granted the crest banner.
If we edged up to the flagship now, what do you think
Behrsoht nodded, so Duhier encrypted it and send it over to the flagship.
could very well envelope
andlifeboats and/or smallcrafts, though.
so the energy
wouldonly be sustained for a short time,
The distance between
himand the flagship was farther now. And
hewas still getting chased by several mines. The ship's own mines had all been used up.
Hisquandary could scarcely be worse.
Their; delete line break (or at least change the indent so it matches the other paragraphs). From context this passage is talking about the problems for Duhier's ship as a whole, not Duhier personally.
Small-scale bubble generators rarely ever broke, and even in the odd event that one did, it would be difficult
to do soin such a cramped space.
--specify that it's
to fix it
"Got a grasp on the situation
@yumenokage Please keep this topic to discussion only! Corrections should be posted in the topic linked in the first post.
Lafier looked up
,to find Hecto-Commander Sobash standing there.
Dothey concentrate all their facilities in the monarchy with the new capital, or
dothey station them in other monarchies, too?
They might raid the temporary capital on the same momentum they charged through the original capital.
onat the end or
with whichafter "momentum"?
They displayed the difference between two scenarios—one where they
consecratedthe bubble generator manufacturing facilities in the temporary capital,
were seriouslyill and unconscious, and infants.
--insert "the". Also maybe delete the comma after "unconscious"?
There was one exception to the
family-rule, and that was small children who didn't have guardians apart from the prioritized evacuees.
She stepped inside
,and sank ankle-deep
were both once the Gafnochec
,and were provided with
Samson took a look
as a passenger, if I don't intend to return to military service.
was the height of luxury
,and proof that the Empire
More specifically, there were
steppingstonesplaced in the creek.
usedto set intrasystem ships on
was the Clybh Royal
Palace.Itwas where Lamagh,
There were more than a few cases
wherebythey were no longer in production.
In addition, their military was not very trusted
,and was not authorized to surrender.
isone big difference between the
himselffor the first time since
itbeat just waiting for the Deterrent Squadrons to be blown to smithereens.
;m presuming upon my soldiers' heroic resolve.
--delete stray semicolon
That cleared up one question, but that wasn'
;t what Jint wanted to know.
--delete stray semicolon
CountyHyde." It was a communication from
*Let's get this over with so I can sleep in
bed,* peppinghimself up as he opened a line between himself and Administrator Ehf.
--There needs to be a
Jinto thought,or something inserted here.
These surveillance ships also grasped that the main force of the enemy fleet had finished replenishing their mine stocks
,and resumed the advanced.
and the father of the Commandant of Trample-Blitz Squadron 1, Associate Commodore.
--shouldn't there be a name at the end here?
Each time, the Abh succeeded in defending
themcapital by striking the enemy as soon as they emerged from a given portal.
Itpassed through the scorching mist and stabbed into one of the fortresses.
and all they could reasonably do was predict the course of allied ships and aim away from
However, highly agile enemy ships zoomed around, ignoring the sluggish Clybh Palace
,and thrusting spears of light into the strongholds behind it.
thosedays, this hall was used only for particularly sacred ceremonies and services.
wasn't the only group the
--spelled elsewhere as
intendingto saddle me with everything?"
Duhier didn't know how to explain it,
so hemmedand hawed.
"Does this have to do with your Neic
One could say they were nothing more than symbols, they were a part of the Empire's history.
butafter the comma? Or reword the first half so it makes sense in context with the second half and following sentences.
startedat the planar space map.
Swarms of allied mines
devouredtheir enemy counterparts and
had beguneating at the enemy fleet.
--make these match—either put the "had" at the front, in front of both, or in front of neither.
The structure was originally in Satneigh's satellite orbit as the headquarters of the astrobase
,it was hauled into orbit around Sohtryoor's sun as a temporary Imperial abode.
Volume 6 Part 1
The allied mines had the indispensable role of decreasing their enemy counterparts
,and protecting the ships behind them.
The Countess of
Sescarr'sexpression turned dark.
No matter how hard the Area 2
Fleet, itwouldn't have much bearing on the overall war.
Volume 6 Part 2
In addition to being the Crown Princess, she held the military rank of Imperial Admiral
,and had been entrusted with the duties of the Training Fleet Commander-in-Chief as well.
He tasked them with the role of the starpilot academies that
educateStar Forces management.
exercisedher authority to revoke the right of command from Lafier and
could exercise? based on context seems like a hypothetical
he whispered from right behind
8% momentary Crown Princess - momentary doesn't feel like the right word here, just stick with provisional, even if it might feel overused
33% Crown Hair -> Heir
"Though it is not my....but there are some bits of intelligence among the intelligence..."
Two things, the Though and but both being uses is somewhat redundant. One can be dropped. The other, "intelligence among the intelligence" sounds awkward. I'd recommend changing the first one to "insight" instead.
"...have to wonder what this has to do with the current war?"
"It does," nodded Dasehf.
The way the above exchange is worded sounds a bit awkward. The question Lafier asks isn't a yes/no question. Based on Dasehf's response, it sounds like what she's asking would be more along the lines of, "does that have anything to do with the current war?"