Banner of the Stars - Corrections Topic

  • Staff

    This is the dedicated topic for posting suggested corrections for Banner of the Stars.

    Currently in prepublication: Volume 6!

  • Premium Member

    More suggestions than corrections.


    "Come," the Empress ordered -> Perhaps "Step forth" or "Come forth" might capture the nuance better. I'm assuming the empress said something along the lines of 来い or the like.
    "the operation writ" -> operational writ, or operation's writ

  • Premium Member

    Volume 5 Part 2

    13% - I'm find with the usual food -> I'm fine with the usual food

    I'm a bit ambivalent on the usage of Platoon for the Capital Defense Platoon, simply because platoon implies a very, very small and hierarchically low ranked unit organization. Considering the nature of the unit, might I suggest Capital Defense Corps, or if the intent is to imply a small, select group, Capital Defense Cadre.

  • Premium Member

    Volume 5 Part 3
    Jinto was about to asked what the imperial treasures - Jinto was about to ask what the imperial treasures

    The Watchguard Fleet comprised eight sub-fleets - Ordering is reversed here. Either, "The Watchguard Fleet was comprised of eight sub-fleets," or "Eight sub-fleets comprised the Watchguard Fleet"
    Each of the subfleets were - Each of the sub-fleets was

  • Premium Member

    Volume 5 Part 4
    She dressed himself - Presumably should be herself

    I;'m presuming upon my soldiers' heroic resolve - Extra ; in the I'm

    That cleared up one question, but that wasn;'t what - Extra ; again

  • Premium Member

    Volume 5 Part 6
    38% - released from their duties as Capital Defense Platoon members - Capital should also be boldded.

  • Premium Member

    Part 1

    Dusahn ascended the stairs, and was granted the crest banner.
    --delete comma

    If we edged up to the flagship now, what do you think will happen?

    Behrsoht nodded, so Duhier encrypted it and send it over to the flagship.

    could very well envelope and lifeboats and/or smallcrafts, though.
    --delete and

    so the energy would only be sustained for a short time,

    The distance between him and the flagship was farther now. And he was still getting chased by several mines. The ship's own mines had all been used up.
    His quandary could scarcely be worse.
    --them; they; Their; delete line break (or at least change the indent so it matches the other paragraphs). From context this passage is talking about the problems for Duhier's ship as a whole, not Duhier personally.

    Small-scale bubble generators rarely ever broke, and even in the odd event that one did, it would be difficult to do so in such a cramped space.
    --specify that it's to fix it

    "Got a grasp on the situation."

  • Staff

    @yumenokage Please keep this topic to discussion only! Corrections should be posted in the topic linked in the first post.

  • Premium Member

    Part 2

    Lafier looked up, to find Hecto-Commander Sobash standing there.
    --delete comma?

    Do they concentrate all their facilities in the monarchy with the new capital, or do they station them in other monarchies, too?

    They might raid the temporary capital on the same momentum they charged through the original capital.
    --insert with or on at the end or on which or with which after "momentum"?

    They displayed the difference between two scenarios—one where they consecrated the bubble generator manufacturing facilities in the temporary capital,

    The exceptions were seriously ill and unconscious, and infants.
    --insert "the". Also maybe delete the comma after "unconscious"?

    There was one exception to the family-rule, and that was small children who didn't have guardians apart from the prioritized evacuees.
    --no-family rule?

    She stepped inside, and sank ankle-deep
    --delete comma

    were both once the Gafnochec, and were provided with
    --delete comma

  • Premium Member

    Part 3

    Samson took a look, and nodded.
    --delete comma?

    as a passenger, if I don't intend to return to military service.
    --delete comma?

    was the height of luxury, and proof that the Empire
    --delete comma?

    More specifically, there were steppingstones placed in the creek.
    --insert space

    she did used to set intrasystem ships on

    was the Clybh Royal Palace.It was where Lamagh,
    --insert space

  • Premium Member

    Part 4

    There were more than a few cases whereby they were no longer in production.

    In addition, their military was not very trusted, and was not authorized to surrender.
    --delete comma

    However, there is one big difference between the

    She dressed himself for the first time since

    But it beat just waiting for the Deterrent Squadrons to be blown to smithereens.

    I';m presuming upon my soldiers' heroic resolve.
    --delete stray semicolon

    That cleared up one question, but that wasn';t what Jint wanted to know.
    --delete stray semicolon

  • Premium Member

    Part 5

    "County Hyde." It was a communication from

    *Let's get this over with so I can sleep in bed,* pepping himself up as he opened a line between himself and Administrator Ehf.
    --There needs to be a Jinto thought, or something inserted here.

    These surveillance ships also grasped that the main force of the enemy fleet had finished replenishing their mine stocks, and resumed the advanced.
    --delete comma

    and the father of the Commandant of Trample-Blitz Squadron 1, Associate Commodore.
    --shouldn't there be a name at the end here?

  • Premium Member

    Part 6

    Each time, the Abh succeeded in defending them capital by striking the enemy as soon as they emerged from a given portal.

    It passed through the scorching mist and stabbed into one of the fortresses.

    and all they could reasonably do was predict the course of allied ships and aim away from it.

    However, highly agile enemy ships zoomed around, ignoring the sluggish Clybh Palace, and thrusting spears of light into the strongholds behind it.
    --delete comma

    In those days, this hall was used only for particularly sacred ceremonies and services.
    --these (from context)

    wasn't the only group the Pundish was housing.
    --spelled elsewhere as Pundigh

  • Premium Member

    Part 7

    Did you intending to saddle me with everything?"

    Duhier didn't know how to explain it, so hemmed and hawed.
    --insert he

    "Does this have to do with your Neic surnym?"

    One could say they were nothing more than symbols, they were a part of the Empire's history.
    --insert but after the comma? Or reword the first half so it makes sense in context with the second half and following sentences.

    Lafier started at the planar space map.

  • Premium Member

    Part 8

    Swarms of allied mines devoured their enemy counterparts and had begun eating at the enemy fleet.
    --make these match—either put the "had" at the front, in front of both, or in front of neither.

    The structure was originally in Satneigh's satellite orbit as the headquarters of the astrobase, it was hauled into orbit around Sohtryoor's sun as a temporary Imperial abode.
    --comma splice

  • Premium Member

    Volume 6 Part 1

    The allied mines had the indispensable role of decreasing their enemy counterparts, and protecting the ships behind them.
    --delete comma

    The Countess of Sescarr's expression turned dark.

    No matter how hard the Area 2 Fleet, it wouldn't have much bearing on the overall war.
    --insert fought

  • Premium Member

    Volume 6 Part 2

    In addition to being the Crown Princess, she held the military rank of Imperial Admiral, and had been entrusted with the duties of the Training Fleet Commander-in-Chief as well.
    --delete comma

    He tasked them with the role of the starpilot academies that educate Star Forces management.

    she exercised her authority to revoke the right of command from Lafier and
    --could exercise? based on context seems like a hypothetical

    he whispered from right behind a shoulder.

  • Premium Member

    8% momentary Crown Princess - momentary doesn't feel like the right word here, just stick with provisional, even if it might feel overused

    33% Crown Hair -> Heir

  • Premium Member

    "Though it is not my....but there are some bits of intelligence among the intelligence..."
    Two things, the Though and but both being uses is somewhat redundant. One can be dropped. The other, "intelligence among the intelligence" sounds awkward. I'd recommend changing the first one to "insight" instead.

    "...have to wonder what this has to do with the current war?"
    "It does," nodded Dasehf.
    The way the above exchange is worded sounds a bit awkward. The question Lafier asks isn't a yes/no question. Based on Dasehf's response, it sounds like what she's asking would be more along the lines of, "does that have anything to do with the current war?"

Log in to reply