Banner of the Stars - Corrections Topic

[lovelight]

This is the dedicated topic for posting suggested corrections for Banner of the Stars.

Currently in prepublication: Volume 6!

[zwabbit]

More suggestions than corrections.

23%

"Come," the Empress ordered -> Perhaps "Step forth" or "Come forth" might capture the nuance better. I'm assuming the empress said something along the lines of 来い or the like.
"the operation writ" -> operational writ, or operation's writ

[zwabbit]

Volume 5 Part 2

13% - I'm find with the usual food -> I'm fine with the usual food

I'm a bit ambivalent on the usage of Platoon for the Capital Defense Platoon, simply because platoon implies a very, very small and hierarchically low ranked unit organization. Considering the nature of the unit, might I suggest Capital Defense Corps, or if the intent is to imply a small, select group, Capital Defense Cadre.

[zwabbit]

Volume 5 Part 3
53%
Jinto was about to asked what the imperial treasures - Jinto was about to ask what the imperial treasures

92%
The Watchguard Fleet comprised eight sub-fleets - Ordering is reversed here. Either, "The Watchguard Fleet was comprised of eight sub-fleets," or "Eight sub-fleets comprised the Watchguard Fleet"
Each of the subfleets were - Each of the sub-fleets was

[zwabbit]

Volume 5 Part 4
57%
She dressed himself - Presumably should be herself

78%
I;'m presuming upon my soldiers' heroic resolve - Extra ; in the I'm

92%
That cleared up one question, but that wasn;'t what - Extra ; again

[zwabbit]

Volume 5 Part 6
38% - released from their duties as Capital Defense Platoon members - Capital should also be boldded.

[yumenokage]

Part 1

20%
Dusahn ascended the stairs, and was granted the crest banner.
--delete comma

50%
If we edged up to the flagship now, what do you think will happen?
--would

52%
Behrsoht nodded, so Duhier encrypted it and send it over to the flagship.
--sent

62%
could very well envelope and lifeboats and/or smallcrafts, though.
--delete and

62%
so the energy would only be sustained for a short time,
--could?

75%
The distance between him and the flagship was farther now. And he was still getting chased by several mines. The ship's own mines had all been used up.
His quandary could scarcely be worse.
--them; they; Their; delete line break (or at least change the indent so it matches the other paragraphs). From context this passage is talking about the problems for Duhier's ship as a whole, not Duhier personally.

77%
Small-scale bubble generators rarely ever broke, and even in the odd event that one did, it would be difficult to do so in such a cramped space.
--specify that it's to fix it

87%
"Got a grasp on the situation."
--?

[myskaros]

@yumenokage Please keep this topic to discussion only! Corrections should be posted in the topic linked in the first post.

[yumenokage]

Part 2

4%
Lafier looked up, to find Hecto-Commander Sobash standing there.
--delete comma?

32%
Do they concentrate all their facilities in the monarchy with the new capital, or do they station them in other monarchies, too?
--should?

36%
They might raid the temporary capital on the same momentum they charged through the original capital.
--insert with or on at the end or on which or with which after "momentum"?

43%
They displayed the difference between two scenarios—one where they consecrated the bubble generator manufacturing facilities in the temporary capital,
--concentrated

52%
The exceptions were seriously ill and unconscious, and infants.
--insert "the". Also maybe delete the comma after "unconscious"?

68%
There was one exception to the family-rule, and that was small children who didn't have guardians apart from the prioritized evacuees.
--no-family rule?

76%
She stepped inside, and sank ankle-deep
--delete comma

85%
were both once the Gafnochec, and were provided with
--delete comma

[yumenokage]

Part 3

8%
Samson took a look, and nodded.
--delete comma?

15%
as a passenger, if I don't intend to return to military service.
--delete comma?

37%
was the height of luxury, and proof that the Empire
--delete comma?

59%
More specifically, there were steppingstones placed in the creek.
--insert space

79%
she did used to set intrasystem ships on
--use

96%
was the Clybh Royal Palace.It was where Lamagh,
--insert space

[yumenokage]

Part 4

29%
There were more than a few cases whereby they were no longer in production.
--where

57%
In addition, their military was not very trusted, and was not authorized to surrender.
--delete comma

57%
However, there is one big difference between the
--was

58%
She dressed himself for the first time since
--herself

75%
But it beat just waiting for the Deterrent Squadrons to be blown to smithereens.
--specify?

75%
I';m presuming upon my soldiers' heroic resolve.
--delete stray semicolon

98%
That cleared up one question, but that wasn';t what Jint wanted to know.
--delete stray semicolon

[yumenokage]

Part 5

20%
"County Hyde." It was a communication from
--Count

30%
*Let's get this over with so I can sleep in bed,* pepping himself up as he opened a line between himself and Administrator Ehf.
--There needs to be a Jinto thought, or something inserted here.

75%
These surveillance ships also grasped that the main force of the enemy fleet had finished replenishing their mine stocks, and resumed the advanced.
--delete comma

86%
and the father of the Commandant of Trample-Blitz Squadron 1, Associate Commodore.
--shouldn't there be a name at the end here?

[yumenokage]

Part 6

7%
Each time, the Abh succeeded in defending them capital by striking the enemy as soon as they emerged from a given portal.
--the

12%
It passed through the scorching mist and stabbed into one of the fortresses.
--specify

20%
and all they could reasonably do was predict the course of allied ships and aim away from it.
--them

25%
However, highly agile enemy ships zoomed around, ignoring the sluggish Clybh Palace, and thrusting spears of light into the strongholds behind it.
--delete comma

41%
In those days, this hall was used only for particularly sacred ceremonies and services.
--these (from context)

88%
wasn't the only group the Pundish was housing.
--spelled elsewhere as Pundigh

[yumenokage]

Part 7

32%
Did you intending to saddle me with everything?"
--intend

45%
Duhier didn't know how to explain it, so hemmed and hawed.
--insert he

45%
"Does this have to do with your Neic surnym?"
--surname?

52%
One could say they were nothing more than symbols, they were a part of the Empire's history.
--insert but after the comma? Or reword the first half so it makes sense in context with the second half and following sentences.

59%
Lafier started at the planar space map.
--stared?

[yumenokage]

Part 8

34%
Swarms of allied mines devoured their enemy counterparts and had begun eating at the enemy fleet.
--make these match—either put the "had" at the front, in front of both, or in front of neither.

60%
The structure was originally in Satneigh's satellite orbit as the headquarters of the astrobase, it was hauled into orbit around Sohtryoor's sun as a temporary Imperial abode.
--comma splice

[yumenokage]

Volume 6 Part 1

44%
The allied mines had the indispensable role of decreasing their enemy counterparts, and protecting the ships behind them.
--delete comma

91%
The Countess of Sescarr's expression turned dark.
--Casehr?

97%
No matter how hard the Area 2 Fleet, it wouldn't have much bearing on the overall war.
--insert fought

[yumenokage]

Volume 6 Part 2

0%
In addition to being the Crown Princess, she held the military rank of Imperial Admiral, and had been entrusted with the duties of the Training Fleet Commander-in-Chief as well.
--delete comma

2%
He tasked them with the role of the starpilot academies that educate Star Forces management.
--educated?

38%
she exercised her authority to revoke the right of command from Lafier and
--could exercise? based on context seems like a hypothetical

94%
he whispered from right behind a shoulder.
--her

[zwabbit]

V6P3
8% momentary Crown Princess - momentary doesn't feel like the right word here, just stick with provisional, even if it might feel overused

33% Crown Hair -> Heir

[zwabbit]

V6P6
24%
"Though it is not my....but there are some bits of intelligence among the intelligence..."
Two things, the Though and but both being uses is somewhat redundant. One can be dropped. The other, "intelligence among the intelligence" sounds awkward. I'd recommend changing the first one to "insight" instead.

25%
"...have to wonder what this has to do with the current war?"
...
"It does," nodded Dasehf.
The way the above exchange is worded sounds a bit awkward. The question Lafier asks isn't a yes/no question. Based on Dasehf's response, it sounds like what she's asking would be more along the lines of, "does that have anything to do with the current war?"

[yumenokage]

Volume 6 part 3

3%
said Deca-Commander Lecsh, who was seated at the lowest rank among the five Strategy Staff Officers, and she was principally in charge of all things artillery.
--Officers and was

4%
Rather, shewas born in an artificial womb her father brought onto his trade vessel.
--she was

17%
with Imperial Admiral Tlife as its Commander-in-Chief, to defend it.
--delete comma

24%
That likely wouldn't change until she went to the Supreme Command Base.
--S looks like it's unbolded

32%
The first in line was of course the Crown Hair, but
--Heir

41%
Directly across from the one Lafier's groups entered through,
--group

43%
not at least until after their next victory.
--at least not until would probably sound more natural

46%
She had a feeling that not letting her in on decisions of the strategic dimension was a mark of how little trust Central placed in her.
--a? this? the seems a little weird here

53%
The Wesco Portal lead to Lahkfacar.
--led

54%
knowing of the invasion of the PSSU, launched a counter-invasion
--would launch

59%
were going strong in Skeer, and actively fighting against the FNA.
--delete comma

75%
It infiltrated enemy territory in multi-ship and sometimes in single-ship grouping, incurring immense risk.
--delete in

91%
Then she couldn't take his eyes off it.
--her