JNC Writing Group Review Thread - A User's Guide to Tokyo Gaijin
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Name of the work - A User's Guide to Tokyo Gaijin
Approximate word count - 4,000
Short description of the workEdward Beat is back and our favourite ghost turned fairy godfather (on probation) is now haunting the streets of Tokyo. This time he is "helping" Joseph Mullarey, a Gaijin who sees things that shouldn't be real but which unfortunately are. Together with his ghostly Fairy Godfather, he stumbles into a battle between the worlds of the normal and the supernatural where only he is the bridge between them.
This isn't finished but it is the current first chapter to the sequel to one of the works I submitted for the first JNC competition.
The Google doc can be found here.
I’m actually going to remove this one because in a mysterious circumstances Book One got through to the next round. Despite being a sequel it feels right to hide this while the competition is ongoing.
Thanks for all the comments and I may turn it back on after the next round of cuts :)
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This is a bit difficult to review without being able to read the first volume. Your first chapter is meant to be a sequel, building on the world and characters readers presumably already know, but I don't have that context right now. My feedback here would probably be a lot different if I did, Instead of being able to just read and appreciate the story, I was struggling to get a handle on the characters, their world, and what was happening. The stream-of-consciousness style of writing has it charms, but jumping around so much makes it even harder for a first time reader to grasp the situation. Even a returning reader might find it difficult, since there's likely to be a months-long gap between reading the first and second volumes. Some people will definitely have forgotten some of the details, and would benefit from a refresher.
I have some suggestions for you, but they might not be too useful since I'm reading the story out of order. You'll need to decide for yourself whether these changes would make the story better or not. At any rate, my suggested revisions are:
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This may have been a typo, but the end of the second sentence should be "as was its wont." There were a few other minor typo/errors, but no biggie; that's to be expected in a draft. I just wanted to mention this one in particular since it's harder to catch.
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The introduction starts off with a very brief description of what is happening, then segues into paragraphs of background explanation, before jumping back to the courtroom. This deprives it of oomph and makes the situation harder to follow. I think your opening would have more impact if you continue the courtroom scene for a while longer, then pause it to offer some background explanations.
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This may be another problem caused by not having read the first volume, but Edward shows very little emotion toward Mike and Jenny in his thoughts. They're supposed to be his best friend and the woman he has feelings for, so I would have expected a stronger reaction to them. This is definitely a case where you need to show us Edward's feelings rather than tell us about them, though. You could perhaps add a bit where he fantasizes about this being his wedding, and what his life might have been like had things worked out differently for him.
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This is something you'll probably address in future chapters, but the unnamed cat girl comes off like a sex symbol instead of a character in her own right. You probably don't have much room to fix this in such a short scene, but giving her a name here would go a long way toward signaling that she's more than a walking pair of boobs for Edward and the reader to ogle.
Overall, your basic premise is good, and your prose is strong, especially your descriptions of key scenes like the wedding and meeting Joe. Your protagonist has a distinct perspective and good side commentary, which are essential for a story told in first person. Having a snarky split personality is a great writing device, since it gives Edward someone to banter with when no one else can see him. You've got a good thing going here; keep it up :)
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Thank you for the very detailed feedback and for your kind words.
Some of these are elements of being an early draft but I there are definitely elements I need to adjust.
One of the things I’ll need to fix is the ability of new readers to be able to jump in regardless of whether they’ve read the first book or not. Mike and Jenny being a case in point. Their story is basically resolved in book one and my call-back as you point out is confusing and flat if you haven’t read it. Finding that balance in the early chapters is vital so thank you for calling out where it can be improved.
Same with Rine (the cat girl). Originally she was introduced in chapter two but I wanted to bring in the perception gems and tried to do a teaser. I’ll revisit this section and either make it an unrelated character or bring more elements of her introduction forward. Just little things like the fact she works with Joe and drop some hints that “spoiler” these two form the main romantic tension in the book.
Thank you again. There is a lot of good feedback that will only make this a stronger story.
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(I am just a beginning writer, so anything I say is from that POV—if you think something I say is wrong—go with your gut/experience and ignore me!). I like reading your work, but I write very slow and I don’t have a lot of time to complement things, so I will just go into criticisms and suggestions for most of my responses—if that bothers you, please let me know.
“Edward Jeremy Marcus Beat, you stand accused of heinous crimes against genre.”
That was the echoey voice of the Sole – I never could work out if it was supposed to be male, female, or just plain scary - pronouncing yet another pointless accusation against me.
I think that the introduction loses a bit of drama by immediately commenting on the tone of the verdict instead of the content of the verdict— maybe right after the quote sayin something like “that was the Sole, pronouncing yet another pointless accusation against me,” (make the grammar work—not sure about the commas) and then going into the bit about the echoey voice etc. It may seems like a small thing, but you don’t want to bury your lede in your first paragraph.
I’m Edward by the way and I’m currently enjoying my post-life existence as a ghost after an unfortunate run-in with my schoolyard bully and his shot-gun.
by the way, I think that “by the way” should be set off by parentheses here!
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Hi there. Thanks for the read and comments. Every piece of feedback is useful because it show what a reader is thinking. I’ve often thought something was perfectly clear but need to explain it to someone - showing I was wrong.
I’ll probably rewrite this whole section once I know whether the first novel gets through the JNC competition. It. Is kind of have reintroducing and half trying not to repeat characters and elements.
Good grammar pick ups. They are noted for version 2.
Thanks again.
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@Damon-Cavalchini —are there parts that you still want reviewed—or do you want to rewrite some first. I am happy to help either way.
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Hi there,
Thanks.
Feel free to jump in and review. I’ll collate the feedback in my working file version.
