JNC Writing Group Review Thread - Tearmoon Empire 6.5 Quest to Save the Golden Etoile
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I am writing another Tearmoon fanfic that could use input—I will either restart this or put all my effort into the next volume of my contest entry.
These are the first 11 chapters of what will probably be a 40 chapter volume. Chapter 10 is incomplete, and is giving me the most trouble.https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-LshEbSqilBOE9m2_tmbfArCDlUS-9rrbsMX864BPlw/edit
What you need to know about Tearmoon Empire going into this fan-fiction (contains spoilers for the first 6 volumes of Tearmoon empire.)
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Referenced by
jazzyjeoff
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@jazzyjeoff I've requested access to read ^^ My gmail account is the same as my username here.
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@Alfaerin I have changed access to anyone with the link. Everyone should have commenter access—please let me know if it doesn't work—Thanks!
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I just read the first two chapters and wow, I was completely blown away by how well you've captured the characters' personalities and the general tone of the series. (Though in all fairness, it's been quite awhile since I've read the series; I dropped everything except Bookworm quite a while back due to health reasons.) Chapter 1 was very well done--the pacing was perfect, and the final line landed with such a wham I felt my heart breaking. The main thing that jumped out at me as needing improvement was Pamela's collapse; the poison's onset and symptoms, as well as her reaction, were incredibly unrealistic. An ingested poison takes time to enter the bloodstream, and if it's potent enough to make one appear to be dead, Pamela is unlikely to be able to speak so coherently just prior to losing consciousness. She would also be feeling a lot worse than just "not well." It's another minor point, but think Barbara's reaction to Mia in chapter two could also use some tweaking. It seems unrealistic to me that she would feel any sense of doubt that easily and quickly, much less admitting to herself that it's what she feels. But it's been a long time since I read the source material, so this might be in line with her character.
I'll read more tomorrow if I can and offer more feedback, but with your level of writing skill I have no doubt your light novel will make it through the first round of judging. You have nothing to worry about there.
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Hi there,
I’ll do a proper review when I am back on Easter Monday but, from looking on my phone, I definitely think you should continue writing for competitions.
I love your Tearmoon stuff but feel you have the ability to succeed with original work as well.
If you want, keep doing both but if it is an either/or for you, pick which one brings you the most happiness and closer to your own dreams. I think you can achieve in both but it really comes down to where you want to direct your energy.
Have confidence that you can do it.
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@Damon-Cavalchini So often, it feels like the words I write are just disappearing into a vacuum and the self-doubt becomes overwhelming. Just hearing words of encouragement from a few folks can make writing feel warm instead of cold. So thanks so much!
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@Alfaerin Sorry I didn’t respond (I meant to include you in my response to Damon-Cavalchini but missed it) I love the input—especially the things I can improve—Mia has consistently been a wrecking ball changing the course of people’s lives (mostly unintentionally) and that is something I definitely want to play up—but I don’t want to write like a wrecking ball—so I should be a little more subtle Bab’s self-doubt —I will try to tone it down when I get the rest of Barbara’s arc written (she’s not done yet!) but that is definitely the direction that I am going with the story.
It is sort of funny—Barbara has finally returned to the main series, too—I might have beaten them to the punch if the contest hadn’t popped up—at least I did beat them to a lot of the Remno stuff!The poison stuff was total artistic license—I was hoping to capture the sweetness and innocence of the girl as she is being poisoned. She actually feels terrible—she’s about to die after all—but she doesn’t want to be a bother to her new friend—so she understates her condition—“not feeling well.” I may change it—especially if it reads unrealistic to the point it is districting—but I want it understood that there was a purpose for it being written like that—it just may have come up short a little :).
Anyway, these are actually the chapters I feel best about, it gets a little shakier as it goes on—and I am a little lost in chapter 10 and worried that chapter 9 is too silly, or not silly in the right ways.
Thanks again. -
@jazzyjeoff No worries! I'm glad you found it useful ^^ I've been feeling really sick today so haven't gotten around to reading more and giving feedback, but I will when I can.
To elaborate on the feedback more, it's very difficult to get a zealot as committed as Barbara to change her mind in real life. Just think about how hard it is to persuade someone to change their political or religious views, and you'll have an inkling of just how hard it is to move a zealot. Not only do they tend to have black and white thinking patterns, their brain is subconsciously trying to maintain homeostasis. Basically, most people are going to dig their heels in and refuse to admit they're wrong, even if they have an inkling that's untrue, because the alternative is far more painful--realizing she wasted so much of her life and did so many morally reprehensible things for the sake of wrong beliefs. As I mentioned before, it's been quite some time since I read the series, but I think the best way to handle it would be to show Barbara mocking Mia's words or furiously attempting to deny them at first. You can have her go over the top in a "methinks the lady doth protest too much" sort of way that shows the reader she's been affected by what Mia said, but isn't willing to admit that to herself just yet.
I'm not sure how many other people would be bothered by the poisoning scene, since most people probably don't have the life experiences I have. With as much time as I've spent in the hospital, I'm very familiar with the rate of onset for drugs that are ingested, injected subcutaneously or intravenously, inhaled, and absorbed through the skin. For that reason, that scene really stuck out to me as needing improvement. An oral drug would have to pass through the digestive tract before it can enter the blood stream, meaning it's the slowest acting out of all possible methods. It would realistically take somewhere between fifteen and thirty minutes for Pamela to start showing symptoms. You could maybe gloss over this period of time by simply narrating that the two girls continued chatting happily for a while, then move into the poisoning scene. Based on the effect you want to achieve, I would suggest having Pamela show some physical symptoms, which she then clumsily tries to explain away so as to not worry Citrina. You have some flexibility here since you're using a fictional poison, but pallor, cold sweats, dizziness, nausea, and trouble breathing are all common symptoms of poison. Pamela's explanations for these symptoms should be farfetched and nonsensical, since she's a child trying to make up a lie on the spot, and that will make it obvious to the reader that she's not telling the truth. Citrina however believes everything she says without question. Even if she thinks something is wrong here, she could feel guilty for thinking Pamela might be lying and tell herself that she refuses to doubt her friend.
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Hi there,
First up - this is good and very easy to read. You don’t mimic the style of the books but pay homage to it. There are moments of ‘modernisation’ that feel a little at odds with the main series as it has evolved but those can be assigned to being an alternative timeline.
While I agree with most of Alfaerin’s comments, we have seen zealots change their minds quite quickly (or at least between different arcs) and poisons working in a fantasy-way more quickly in the main series so I am more forgiving of that because it reflects the source materials. Real life doesn’t work like that but Tearmoon reality does.
However there were some occasions when characters appeared more ‘current’ than their fictional counterparts. For example, I can’t really see Mia saying “"You are a forty-two-year-old unemployed maid who just hissed at a teenager. Grow up, Barbara!"
The Grow-up Barbara part is what jars the most in this example. It makes Mia feel like a modern teenager and not a princess in a fantasy world.
But these were just small points. I definitely want to keep reading and it feels like this fits adjacent to the ‘main’ Tearmoon timeline.
In terms of your own writing, I would love to read something totally original to get a feel for your natural style. By existing writhing the Tearmoon universe, this is tinged by that world.
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I'll be the first to admit it's been quite awhile since I read the books, but I seem to recall there being some modern-sounding elements in the original. At one point, during the student council election arc iirc, Mia is described using the gacha game term "SSR." The "You are a forty-two year old unemployed maid who just hissed at a teenager" line made me laugh out loud, so I would be sad to see it dropped entirely. If you decide it's somewhat out of character for Mia to say, you might be able to save it by noting that she's channeling another character at their best or somesuch.
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@Alfaerin said in JNC Writing Group Review Thread - Tearmoon Empire 6.5 Quest to Save the Golden Etoile:
I'll be the first to admit it's been quite awhile since I read the books, but I seem to recall there being some modern-sounding elements in the original. At one point, during the student council election arc iirc, Mia is described using the gacha game term "SSR." The "You are a forty-two year old unemployed maid who just hissed at a teenager" line made me laugh out loud, so I would be sad to see it dropped entirely. If you decide it's somewhat out of character for Mia to say, you might be able to save it by noting that she's channeling another character at their best or somesuch.
That’s true. Cut the “grow-up Barbara” line and it works for me. The first part is fine.
Like you, it is a while since read the early books, but from memory most of the out-of-place analogies came from the narrator and not the characters.
But I could be wrong. It was a small thing any way and probably a personal one (as this discussion shows).
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@Damon-Cavalchini Dangit! I liked that line! But you’re right—I don’t think Mia would say it —she would definitely think it—but she is too much of a coward/nice person to say it to someone’s face. I suppose I could have her think it—and then have her say something that could be interpreted as nice—but then it wouldn’t be as funny. Doubble-dangit!
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