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    JNC Writing group review thread- En Passant Grandmaster

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    • A
      AuthorMN last edited by AuthorMN

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eBGpI2tmdS4GWAhM9XMakK220nuPfn1F7qoRDo_Ay5Y/edit?usp=sharing

      • Name of the work
        En Passant Grandmaster

      • Approximate word count
        25,673

      • Short description of the work
        First 15 chapters of a 36 chapter novel I plan to enter in the next JNC contest. The novel is themed around chess and focuses on the members of a chess club (mainly the main female lead and the main male lead) in Kawaguchi Saitama Japan facing off against members of an underground chess league that can force people to play them in chess death games. Game logs are also provided for reader convenience.

      • A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
        Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much dialogue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if these 1st 15 chapters are properly paced.

      • Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
        Violence, bullying, abuse, cursing, and some edgy dialogue.

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      • Referenced by  A AuthorMN 
      • C
        CruxMDQ @AuthorMN last edited by CruxMDQ

        @AuthorMN I just went through the first match that pits Inojin against Okisato. My two cents, for what it's worth:

        • I get the feeling you need to have better-than-norm knowledge of chess to understand what's going on. I get it, things like "e4" or "g5" are positions on a chess board, but that's about all I got, I couldn't picture where the piece being moved was. I cannot help but wonder how big a part of your likely audience will understand that terminology.
        • The meat of the chapter is the match. We're given some background info about the school, and the club Mimoko wanted to create, but I'm left with the sensation that the reader is expected to fill in the blanks with typical tropes and conventions of anime taking place in school environments.
        • I only have passing familiarity with works about duels centered on games (e.g., I didn't watch Yu-gi-oh, but I kind of guess what it's like). At times the chess match felt like a sword duel from Rakudai Kishi no Cavalry. Given how the characters are magically bound I surmise this effect is intentional on your part.
        • Lastly, one of your requests was to identify parts with too much dialogue. I myself live by the 'show, don't tell' rule - I try to use dialogues instead of descriptions when I need to illustrate something of importance. I understand the personality of Okisato kind of works against this, but maybe that's a perspective you might find useful?
        A 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
        • A
          AuthorMN last edited by

          [Note] Updated the link to include the full story instead of the 1st 15 chapters.
          https://docs.google.com/document/d/12v0ZMkLt2nu2tUoV7hYIbWUJpOPB5XZ2ONqvHA1tS78/edit?usp=sharing

          • Name of the work
            En Passant Grandmaster

          • Approximate word count
            58,502

          • Short description of the work
            A chess-themed novel I plan to enter in the next JNC contest. The novel focuses on the members of a chess club (mainly the main female lead and the main male lead) in Kawaguchi Saitama Japan facing off against members of an underground chess league that can force people to play them in chess death games. Game logs are also provided for reader convenience.

          • A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
            Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much dialogue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if the story is properly paced.

          • Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
            Violence, bullying, abuse, cursing, and some edgy dialogue.

          1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • A
            AuthorMN @CruxMDQ last edited by

            @CruxMDQ
            Thanks for your feedback.
            Your first point I feel is sadly unavoidable. Since the novel is based around chess, basic terminology and knowledge of the game are taken for granted.

            As for the match, yes, the characters are forced to play until either a mate, draw by repetition, stalemate, or loss by time occur.

            Once again, thanks for your insight.
            P.S. I've added a post containing the full novel instead of just the 1st 15 chapters in case you're interested in reading the full story.

            C 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • C
              CruxMDQ @AuthorMN last edited by CruxMDQ

              @AuthorMN said in JNC Writing group review thread- En Passant Grandmaster:

              Your first point I feel is sadly unavoidable. Since the novel is based around chess, basic terminology and knowledge of the game are taken for granted.

              Then, why not use it as an opportunity to introduce people to chess? Use your plot to teach readers about the intricacies and finer points of the game. Remake Mimoko's character, or introduce another girl, and make either of them complete newbies - but not clueless.

              I kind of feel I'm overreaching here, but if you'll pardon my suggestion, something like this, maybe:

              Hazuki Yuna was still trembling. "What-was that all about?"
              Okisato frowned. "I just stuck my nose where it didn't belong. And saved your life while at it."
              Yuna approached the spot where the chess board had once been. "That was a chess match?" she asked with a brittle voice, feeling stupid, for of course it had been. "I didn't--I didn't catch almost anything other than that."
              Okisato almost snarked that no, it had been a checkers game, but he held his tongue. He nodded dryly.
              The girl was still too much in the throes of shock to feel gratitude towards him. She tried at least to show her interest in chess: "What was that-thing you were saying? With numbers? And letters?"
              Okisato breathed deeply. He almost dismissed Yuna, but she looked so fragile that he could not.
              With a slightly annoyed voice he explained. "Think of a board seen from an upside-down perspective. Whites starting on the bottom, blacks on top. 'A1' is the square on the bottom left corner, where a white rook would be. 'H1' would be the bottom right one. 'A8' and 'H8' would be the squares for the left and right black rooks."

              A 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 1
              • A
                AuthorMN @CruxMDQ last edited by

                @CruxMDQ
                In that case, chapter 2 might be the best place to drop how chess notation works since that chapter introduces a rookie to the game. Since the story and future volumes revolve around Mimoko being a prodigy, rewriting her is completely off the table.
                Thanks once again for your insight.

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                • A
                  AuthorMN last edited by

                  Made some edits to the full version after receiving feedback.
                  I'm pretty sure the link I provided is still good, but just in case here it is, https://docs.google.com/document/d/12v0ZMkLt2nu2tUoV7hYIbWUJpOPB5XZ2ONqvHA1tS78/edit?usp=sharing
                  The word count is now 58,965 while all the other information remains the same.

                  • Name of the work
                    En Passant Grandmaster

                  • Approximate word count
                    58,965

                  • Short description of the work
                    A chess-themed novel I plan to enter in the next JNC contest. The novel focuses on the members of a chess club (mainly the main female lead and the main male lead) in Kawaguchi Saitama Japan facing off against members of an underground chess league that can force people to play them in chess death games. Game logs are also provided for reader convenience.

                  • A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
                    Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much dialogue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if the story is properly paced.

                  • Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
                    Violence, bullying, abuse, cursing, and some edgy dialogue.

                  1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
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