JNC Writing group review thread- Life Stream: Helping a cute girl gain views and followers
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https://docs.google.com/document/d/1moySmzc5yFIciAi4SNxziDUd1VnfjPx67sMB__2fi1w/edit?usp=sharing
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Name of the work
Life Stream: Helping a cute girl gain views and followers -
Approximate word count
42,045 -
Short description of the work
Story about a neet meeting a small-time streamer and becoming her editor to help her become more popular. -
Judge's feedback
Judges said that the story "rushed into things too quickly and was too focused on purely witty dialog exchanges that were hit-or-miss." -
A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much diologue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if you think if the story would work better in a visual format rather than a written one. -
Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
Cursing, but the f-word and variations of it are censored. There is also mention of a character dying to being overworked, but I think that's as dark as it goes.
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Referenced by A AuthorMN
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@AuthorMN
I am not the most experienced writer, so keep that in mind as I give you my thoughts.
Just a quick look at the first chapter. I think you might draw the reader in a little more if you just start with the second paragraph and remove the first. Everything in the first paragraph except for the MC’s name is revealed in more interesting ways elsewhere in the chapter--(no friends and social skills in the second paragraph, the girl calls him a NEET, other things could come out with the conversation with the girl as well) If you really want to keep the first paragraph, consider removing the redundant bits and make it the second paragraph.The “I said out louds” need to be communicated in a different ways.
It might be good to have a better sense of where this story is taking place (Which country, city, part of town, etc,)
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@jazzyjeoff
Thanks for the feedback. I never really thought about location as many series I've read/watched tend not to tell the audience that.
I do agree with you that the second paragraph does sound better to start with. -
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