JNC Writing Group Feedback Thread
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Name of the work
Life Stream: Helping a cute girl gain views and followers -
Approximate word count
42,045 -
Short description of the work
Story about a neet meeting a small-time streamer and becoming her editor to help her become more popular. -
Judge's feedback
Judges said that the story "rushed into things too quickly and was too focused on purely witty dialog exchanges that were hit-or-miss." -
A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much diologue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if you think if the story would work better in a visual format rather than a written one. -
Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
Cursing, but the f-word and variations of it are censored. There is also mention of a character dying to being overworked, but I think that's as dark as it goes.
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https://forums.j-novel.club/topic/7989/jnc-writing-group-review-thread-en-passant-grandmaster
[Note] Updated the link to include the full story instead of the 1st 15 chapters. In the forum, the link to the 1st 15 chapters is in the 1st post, while the link to the full novel is in the 3rd post. The link below is to the full novel.Full novel link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12v0ZMkLt2nu2tUoV7hYIbWUJpOPB5XZ2ONqvHA1tS78/edit?usp=sharing
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Name of the work
En Passant Grandmaster -
Approximate word count
58,502 -
Short description of the work
A chess-themed novel I plan to enter in the next JNC contest. The novel focuses on the members of a chess club (mainly the main female lead and the main male lead) in Kawaguchi Saitama Japan facing off against members of an underground chess league that can force people to play them in chess death games. Game logs are also provided for reader convenience. -
A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much dialogue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if the story is properly paced. -
Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
Violence, bullying, abuse, cursing, and some edgy dialogue.
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H Hylebos referenced this topic on
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https://forums.j-novel.club/topic/8000/jnc-group-writing-review-thread-immor-tale
@AkayaKaito said in JNC Group Writing Review Thread- Immor:Tale:- Name of the work
Immor:Tale (may change in the future)
- Word Count
nearly 100k words
- Short Description
The Protagonist finds himself brought into a new world with a new body and is thrown directly into a wild escape, since his former body owner just robbed a bank.
Before he had landed here, he had wanted to run away from his problems like he always did. Yet, for some strange twist of fate, he finds himself confronting similiar problems he had to face in his old world. Will he be able to survive in this weird fantasy world, where magic and monsters are long gone and only tales and a rumored immortal from the past remains?- Trigger warnings:
Talk about suicide, mild gore in fights
- A list of questions I would like the reviewers to answer
Please help me identify weird sentences, grammar and help me polish the work in general and better the prose cronstruction.
Also, please give me feedback if parts, dialogues, etc. are too long, cringey, not necessary, etc.- Judges Feedback
The judge liked the premise, but there were too many issues with the prose construction to be publishable.
Download of the PDF:
https://omega.hanami.family/f8t.pdf -
My story didn't make it past the first round, and I honestly can't figure out why. When I inquired about feedback, I was told the judge didn't leave any whatsoever. If anyone can help me improve or give me insight why I was rejected, that would be great. Other comments are appreciated too, of course.
Note: This document only includes the first 2/3rds of the story. I'll post the last 1/3rd if there's enough interest.
Approximate word count: 60k words
Short description of the work: Fifteen year-old Elise leads a double life with many secrets. She is the daughter of a true saintess, but she and her mother are forced to hide their holy powers to avoid running afoul of the powerful, corrupt Philian church. After her parents disappeared under mysterious circumstances five years ago, Elise was adopted by her aunt and uncle, who jointly ascended the throne at the end of a long and brutal civil war. At the same time she must navigate social and political challenges as a princess, she journeys across other worlds and fights to protect her homeland from demons known as the Maleficara. Several days before her sixteenth birthday, Elise sets out to investigate a fissure leading to another world, only to land in far more trouble than she bargained for. Returning to the palace after a traumatic event sees her embroiled in even more problems, as she abruptly finds herself tangled in a web of various political machinations. Who is lying, and who can she trust? What happened to her parents five years ago, when they vanished on another world? Why did her mother suddenly reappear a year and a half later, without any memories from that time? Now that Elise is eligible for marriage, will she discover the meaning of true love?
Trigger warnings if your work deals with sensitive subject matter: brief allusions to rape, abuse, torture, PTSD, and suicide
Edit: Fixed the link
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@Alfaerin I will find the time to read. At first glance, it seems interesting, and I don’t have a problem reading it, or understanding what’s going on—which are both positives! If it has problems that aren’t glaring, I might not be much help.
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@Alfaerin FYI, I don’t have that many comments so far, but I think I will add them to the document.
@Alfaerin I think you are supposed to make a link to your own J-novel thread which then links to google docs, so folks can comment without crowding this thread. Until you do that, I will just add to this post.
@Alfaerin To start, I enjoy the story enough to want to keep reading it—at least for a while— more so than most J-novels. That said, I am wondering if the reason why it didn’t go on to the next round is that it is that it is not light novel enough—with emphasis on the word “light.” My memory is so-so at best, and I ended up using the “find” function to go back to link up names with their definition— i had to go back to link the MC’s magic stone with it’s name and the initial mention of Spectra was not clear to me—yes, it was all there, but it required more of investment from me to clarify than what I would associate with a light novel—if the judge had tons of novels to work through, they may have punted the story instead of making that investment. But so far, it has been enjoyable fantasy—something to be proud of. -
For folks having troubles writing in the first person, you should really look @Alfaerin story (a few posts above). I think it is good enough that you can learn from it—and you could probably learn something by interacting with them.
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@jazzyjeoff Whoops--I made the topic first, then copied the first post and put it here without changing the link. It's fixed now. Thank you very much for reading and sharing your feedback! I think you may be right about it not being "light" enough, and that's why I failed. I'll see if I can edit the earlier chapters to make them easier to digest and follow.
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Name of the work: “For All But Three Stars in the Sky”
https://forums.j-novel.club/topic/8084/jnc-writing-group-review-thread-for-all-but-three-stars-in-the-sky
Approximate word count: Approx. 19,740 so far
Short description of the work:
An MMO character is summoned to another world… without the player who created her.An existence where Secia has actual autonomy over her own thoughts and actions takes a lot of getting used to. Not to mention the monumental task of trying to comprehend a world that obeys very different fundamental laws than those she expects. But while Secia is preoccupied with trying to make sense of her new reality, her disappointed summoners are ready to write her off as a dud. They’d much rather Secia be their willing puppet than her own person.
Join Secia on her journey of self-discovery as she fights her summoners’ expectations, brainwashed cultists, political machinations, monstrous hordes, and that greatest of horrors known to all mankind: self-serving bureaucracies.
She might not possess the unrivaled power her summoners wished for, but she just might possess a soul.
Potentially Sensitive Content(?):
Not entirely sure what might qualify, and much of the story remains to be written. But LGBTQIA+ identities and relationships appear in this story, and some of the themes involved touch on or will touch on dealing with depression and mental trauma.Additional Info:
This is very much a work in progress, an unfinished story, by someone who has never written a novel before. And while I did outline a plot for this story before I began writing it (which is what the synopsis above is based on), what I actually wrote has been drifting more and more from that outline as I’ve put more words to the page. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to try and wrangle the story back onto the path of my original outline. But if I don’t, then I’m not sure where the plot is actually heading anymore, and therefore what scene(s) should come next.The place I’ve written to so far and left off at feels like a crossroads, one where the story could easily go in multiple directions. And I’ve been feeling stuck as a result, unsure of which direction to take it next. (Also, I’m feeling increasingly baffled about just how, exactly, Secia is going to get out of this stupid tower I’ve written her into.)
Also, I’ve never uploaded or shared a document through Google before, so my apologies if there are any technical hiccups. If you run into any issues, please let me know and I’ll fix them as best as I can.
A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer:
- Is the premise of this story actually interesting and engaging to you as a reader?
- Does my writing spend too much time on the internal monologues of the viewpoint character(s)?
- Does the story feel like it’s progressing at a reasonable pace? Does it feel like it’s waffing about and needs more direction than it’s currently shown so far?
- What would you most like to see happen next, or have the story address next? (Assuming you’d be interested in reading more of this story to begin with, which might not be true.)
- Do the various characters feel at least somewhat distinct so far? Should I be working harder to differentiate them during the scenes that have been written already?
- Are there any characters you particularly like or dislike so far?
- And any other advice you’d like to share would be welcome.
(Please feel free to comment on as much or as little above as you’d like.)
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