JNC Writing Group Review Thread - For All But Three Stars in the Sky

Dawnaxis

Name of the work: “For All But Three Stars in the Sky”
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NUIB5QRExaK22nrUsFOAnYri9RziPsGsXEk6qbPDg7c/edit?usp=sharing
Approximate word count: Approx. 19,740 so far
Short description of the work:
An MMO character is summoned to another world… without the player who created her.

An existence where Secia has actual autonomy over her own thoughts and actions takes a lot of getting used to. Not to mention the monumental task of trying to comprehend a world that obeys very different fundamental laws than those she expects. But while Secia is preoccupied with trying to make sense of her new reality, her disappointed summoners are ready to write her off as a dud. They’d much rather Secia be their willing puppet than her own person.

Join Secia on her journey of self-discovery as she fights her summoners’ expectations, brainwashed cultists, political machinations, monstrous hordes, and that greatest of horrors known to all mankind: self-serving bureaucracies.

She might not possess the unrivaled power her summoners wished for, but she just might possess a soul.

Potentially Sensitive Content(?):
Not entirely sure what might qualify, and much of the story remains to be written. But LGBTQIA+ identities and relationships appear in this story, and some of the themes involved touch on or will touch on dealing with depression and mental trauma.

Additional Info:
This is very much a work in progress, an unfinished story, by someone who has never written a novel before. And while I did outline a plot for this story before I began writing it (which is what the synopsis above is based on), what I actually wrote has been drifting more and more from that outline as I’ve put more words to the page. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to try and wrangle the story back onto the path of my original outline. But if I don’t, then I’m not sure where the plot is actually heading anymore, and therefore what scene(s) should come next.

The place I’ve written to so far and left off at feels like a crossroads, one where the story could easily go in multiple directions. And I’ve been feeling stuck as a result, unsure of which direction to take it next. (Also, I’m feeling increasingly baffled about just how, exactly, Secia is going to get out of this stupid tower I’ve written her into.)

Also, I’ve never uploaded or shared a document through Google before, so my apologies if there are any technical hiccups. If you run into any issues, please let me know and I’ll fix them as best as I can.

A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer:

Is the premise of this story actually interesting and engaging to you as a reader?
Does my writing spend too much time on the internal monologues of the viewpoint character(s)?
Does the story feel like it’s progressing at a reasonable pace? Does it feel like it’s waffing about and needs more direction than it’s currently shown so far?
What would you most like to see happen next, or have the story address next? (Assuming you’d be interested in reading more of this story to begin with, which might not be true.)
Do the various characters feel at least somewhat distinct so far? Should I be working harder to differentiate them during the scenes that have been written already?
Are there any characters you particularly like or dislike so far?
And any other advice you’d like to share would be welcome.
(Please feel free to comment on as much or as little above as you’d like.)

jazzyjeoff

@Dawnaxis Just quickly read through the prologue and first chapter—will need to find time to really read it later.

jazzyjeoff

@jazzyjeoff With a mild exception of the prologue, it is a well written and enjoyable read, and I look forward to future chapters. I highly recommend.

Dawnaxis

@jazzyjeoff Thank you very much! That means a lot to me. I appreciate your feedback about the prologue; once I’ve got more of the story as a whole written, I’ll try to clean that up to be less confusing and better fit the overall narrative. Your suggestions on some of the directions I might try to take the prologue instead were very helpful.

jazzyjeoff

@Dawnaxis said in JNC Writing Group Review Thread - For All But Three Stars in the Sky:

Name of the work: “For All But Three Stars in the Sky”
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NUIB5QRExaK22nrUsFOAnYri9RziPsGsXEk6qbPDg7c/edit?usp=sharing

A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer:

Is the premise of this story actually interesting and engaging to you as a reader?
The premise interesting and engaging and well executed through 7 chapters.

Does my writing spend too much time on the internal monologues of the viewpoint character(s)?
I enjoyed the internal monologues—I have no idea if anyone else will—but they helped give the main character personality and depth.

Does the story feel like it’s progressing at a reasonable pace?
I am not sure—it may be a little slow, but I enjoy being around the main character—it is almost like a slice-of-life to me

Does it feel like it’s waffing about and needs more direction than it’s currently shown so far?
Really need to see further chapters to know for sure.

What would you most like to see happen next, or have the story address next? (Assuming you’d be interested in reading more of this story to begin with, which might not be true.)
More than anything, I want to be surprised by what happens next?.

Do the various characters feel at least somewhat distinct so far? Should I be working harder to differentiate them during the scenes that have been written already?
Yes, the characters feel distinct.

Are there any characters you particularly like or dislike so far? I like the MC, and don't have problems with the rest.

And any other advice you’d like to share would be welcome.
You write the MC very well. The prologue was less well written, as was the summary above—those are minor things—but they are there—and may influence folks getting into your story at all. I will try to think of more to say later.
(Please feel free to comment on as much or as little above as you’d like.)