My Light Novel - Ambition
tetsuo kazushi last edited by tetsuo kazushi
Hello all, I am Kazushi Tetsuo.
Thank you for taking the time to visit this thread and checking out my novel.
Ambition is a tale about the Great Minamoto Yama and his journey of conquest over the continent!
"Will there ever be a world of peace?"
This question rings across the continent for generations, until it is heard by one.
This tale follows, the one who will usher the world into an era of prosperity and peace.
The only one who is capable.
The ambitious, the illustrious.
Table of Contents:
Episode 1: The Beginning
Episode 2: Minamoto Yama
Episode 3: New Beginnings
Episode 4: The Land of Rock
Episode 5: Wandering Two
[genres: action, adventure, tragedy, drama, seinen]
[warning: contains: violence, nudity, profanity, gore, sexually explicit]
[I'd love positive critique, it's a WIP & I hope this will push me to keep writing!]
[It's not professionally edited]
In the beginning, there were three-Amenomiō No Kami. Takamimiō No Kami. & Umashimiō No Kami.
Clad in white, they all play blissfully, around and within the void.
Clasping each other's hands, they begin spinning around laughing joyfully.
However, even in this perfect world, mistakes can happen... and in this sublime instance, Umashimiō slips.
Taking everyone down with him. An abrupt, incorrigible, rage engulfs Takamimiō.
Triggering him to kill Umashimiō.
Amenomiō is in shock.
Umashimiō is befallen and distraught.
Takamimiō stares with an unoccupied glare and laughs. Umashimiō looks to Amenomiō & smiles.
Soon, Umashimiō dematerializes.
Leaving behind his energy, ("chi" 気) bound to this newly created realm materializing from his mind, body, and spirit.
Dumbfounded and displeased Amenomiō strikes Takamimiō in the chest, yanking out his soul and fleeing instantly.
Takamimiō decides not to chase her, but instead, the wrathful God chooses to explore this freshly forged world. With creation came time, and a year passes.
Amenomiō still hasn't forgotten what Takamimiō has done.
She cannot live without Umashimiō and she cannot allow Takamimiō to live.
Amenomiō promptly faces Takamimiō.
She looks towards him, seeing him enveloped by hate, fear, and desire. Assured of his evil, Amenomiō quickly tears off Takamimiō's limbs; and flings them across the globe. Takamimiō returns the favor by kicking off her legs posthaste sending them flying in the opposite direction.
Yelling in agony, Amenomiō pins Takamimiō down with her arms, while Takamimiō grabs her with his legs.
During the year that passed. Amenomiō, overtaken with the death of Umashimiō, decided to create beings in his likeness; so that he may live on in some way.
Immediately, Amenomiō strikes Takamimiō with an unyielding chomp on the neck.
Takamimiō begins to cry out in pain, wailing and flopping around like a child.
With a sliver of regret and a heavy heart... Amenomiō tears off Takamimiō's head.
Amenomiō has completed her retribution to Umashimiō, but now she has found herself even more distraught than before.
She is confronted with the starking realization that she is the only being in existence.
After sitting idle, Amenomiō quickly regains sight of her mission and begins shoveling deep into the underground of the new world with her hands.
Holding Takamimiō's head and body, Amenomiō ultimately makes it as far as she can go.
She buries Takamimiō's body and claws her way back up to the surface.
Reaching the ground, Amenomiō readies herself to pull her soul out of her chest, and as this happens the ethereal form of Umashimiō becomes present.
Umashimiō informs Amenomiō that the flesh of both her and Takamimiō that flew across the globe have sprung life.
From the legs of Amenomiō, beings of love, justice, and happiness were born aptly named, Goddesses.
From the blood that spewed across the skies from the limbs. Beings of presence, bewitching apparitions aptly named, Spirits; filled the skies and the realm of the world.
And finally, from the arms of Takamimiō came Beasts, various creatures, beings to inhabit the world.
Umashimiō vanishes forthwith carrying a smile.
Amenomiō is filled with a whim of glee. Nevertheless, despite no longer being alone in the world, her mission remains.
As Amenomiō digs into her chest and grabs hold of her soul, she is met by the Goddesses, and the Beasts, as the Spirits watched.
They all gather gawking in awe and in silence as she holds both the souls of Takamimiō and herself.
The atmosphere begins to pulsate as the souls' merge.
Amenomiō then places them inside herself, and without a second thought, she strikes herself in the head. Her hand molded like a spear.
In order to beget life, life must first relent.
Beings harboring the wisdom of Amenomiō, the hate and desire of Takamimiō; and the Spirit of Umashimiō; aptly named, Humans were born.
Amenomiō lays beside the head of Takamimiō as her death sires a new chapter in Genesis.
The body of Amenomiō takes a millennium to decompose and become the beings she desired. Throughout those 1000 annum, the Goddesses have retreated themselves into their realm of Heaven.
The Beasts have ruled over the lands. And the Spirits have aimlessly lived mysterious existence.
While the corpse of Takamimiō gave birth to beings previously unseen.
Climbing for hundreds of years, to a higher level of the Underworld. The beings who named themselves emerge.
Demons begin to rapidly inhabit the Underworld, and steadily creep into the overworld.
During the commencement of Humans, a vibration is felt throughout the realms calling every being to witness the onset of Human existence.
From the body of Amenomiō, 6 Humans were born.
Unaware of themselves they were left at the hands of the beings present.
The Goddesses decided to divvy up the Humans, giving every group a Human to do with what they pleased; whether to eat or to raise.
4 Humans were taken, one each, by the: Spirits, Goddesses, Beasts, and Demons.
Leaving 2 Humans to fend for themselves.
Ones who give rise to the beings embodied by the three original existences; Amenomiō, Takamimiō, and Umashimiō.
kairos last edited by
First thank you for sharing your story
Before I start with my feedback I just want to say that:
- I don't normally read dark mature stories
- I'm not a professional writer or editor (and though I sometimes write only as a hobby... I have no experience at all with writing light novels)
- Meanings may have been lost when translating from Japanese to English
Bottom line is: this is just the opinion of some random person on the internet, take whatever I say with a grain of salt. (but I do hope that the feedback I give helps)
Now for my opinion:
There's room for improvement.
The setting in the prologue sounds pretty cool, and I can see in the first chapter that you're setting the ground work on Mukō's backstory. However there were a couple of issues I had while reading the story.
The main issue I had was that there were times I couldn't understand why characters were taking the action they were taking, or why they felt the way they did. For example in chapter one I can understand that Alllurid hates Mukō (I'm assuming he's blaming him for the death of Amemi). He hates his son to the point of cursing him but then he acts like a loving father for 6 years... and I don't understand why.
Does Alllurid still see part of Amemi in his son so tries his best but is overcome by his ambition? Or has Alllurid always seen his son as disposable and was only acting nice to make Mukō more compliant? or is there some other reason?
Explaining more why the characters act the way they do would not only help I (as the reader) understand them better, it can help to make the characters more interesting and engaging.
There a couple of other things I think could help the story, but since it's still a WIP I'll leave it there.
There's potential in your story, but I think it does need some work.
I hope the feed back helps and I'm sorry if I was too harsh.
Best of luck in writing your novel!
@kairos Thank for your feedback and no problem let me answer your questions.
you answered the question yourself haha "Or has Alllurid always seen his son as disposable and was only acting nice to make Mukō more compliant?" Since Alllurid couldn't wage a war immediately he decided to regroup. And with that, he decided to raise Muko with the purpose of using him later(then he finds out about monono thru spies). I never really showed him as a loving father, I just said he took him and raised him.
I see where you're coming from though. Let me know the other things you thought of.
@kairos also just uploaded ep 2!
kairos last edited by
@tetsuo-kazushi glad you liked the feed back
First the reason I thought Alllurid acted like a loving father was Muko remembered happy times with him when Monono had his way with him (though I guess happy memories doesn't mean he was a loving father so that might be a fault on my part)
Some other points I think that could use more of an explanation include:
Monono buying Muko from Alllurid (it doesn't seem like a good deal to trade your military power, territory and the chance to be king of hell just for a 6 year old boy)
Takamimiō killing Umashimiō (I can understand getting angry if someone trips and falls on you, but very rarely do you get angry enough to kill someone from just slipping)
There are a couple of other things you can do to improve the story.
As I'm reading I'm noticing times when your telling me something rather than showing me. Again let me give an example:
We're told that Irie made Muko happy (and it's implied the she provided him with love as well (quick english correction paternal love = father's love, maternal love = mother's love)). If we're shown how she loved him and made Muko happy the reader would have a better connection to both characters. Off the top of my head it can be something like: Muko having nightmares from his time with Monono and unable to sleep, but then Irie comes and embraces Muko and (with some additional dialogue) makes him feel safe and secure and he manages to fall asleep in her warm loving arms. Now it's more heart breaking when you do kill her.
So don't be afraid to give additional details to show us what's happening, rather just telling us. (though there may be an issue with word count since (comparatively) light novels are short)
Along the same line feel free to be more descriptive in some of your action scenes. Using the prologue as an example- did Amenomiō taste the hot sticky blood as it squirted and overflowed from her mouth as she chomped on Takamimiō neck? (oh! did she bite off a piece of his neck too? (that actually makes her seem more like bad guy now that I think about it...)) Could you hear the snapping of bones as skin and flesh were torn when their limbs were rip off and blood sprayed into the air?
It helps to paint a better picture for the reader and draws them into the story. (though again you have to deal with that word limit, also this is meant to be a prologue)
One last thing I'd like to mention isn't about the story (and it might be because I don't read enough dark mature stories). Maybe also warm people that there is rape in it? Some people are alright with there being sexually explicit scenes but don't like rape. But again maybe if you read a lot of dark stories then sexually explicit would also include rape.
Good work on releasing chapter 2! Unfortunately I have a lot of things going on so I don't have enough time to give you anymore proper feed back (also as I've said before I don't normally read dark stories). It's a bit of a shame since I get the feeling that this was where you really wanted to get the story going right? (for the record I haven't read chapter 2).
Sorry I can't help you now that (I think) getting into Muko story.
I hope my advice has helped you, but remember it's the opinion of just one person, and it may be wrong in some aspects (or just not helpful)
Best of luck in writing your story!
"Monono buying Muko from Alllurid (it doesn't seem like a good deal to trade your military power, territory and the chance to be king of hell just for a 6 year old boy)"
It does when you're a demon with no morals and not really any ambition who just happened to be alive during the budding stages of hell, like these are demons and this is hell they do whatever they want and they arent controlled.
"Takamimiō killing Umashimiō (I can understand getting angry if someone trips and falls on you, but very rarely do you get angry enough to kill someone from just slipping)"
The prologue isn't really that important but it's told as a legend it's not really supposed to make 100% sense, and also its at a time where nothing else existed so everything is fresh emotion is fresh everything is exaggerated. (I'm going to include this but Ame is the God of Breath, Taka the God of Emotion, and Uma the God of Energy) hope that helps.
thanks for that paternal/maternal tip! totally slipped my mind. and yes you're right i should add something like that. thanks for that!
yea the action scenes in the prologue aren't really meant to be that descriptive but perhaps i could add a little something.
and your advice was great! thank you so much! the story itself will have dark themes throughout etc. but currently the darkest parts only happened to muko, episode 2 is where the main character, Yama is introduced (i really hope you'll check it out) there's nothing like what happened to muko.
thank you so much again!!
JUST UPLOADED EPISODE 3! CHECK IT OUT!!
JUST UPLOADED EPISODE 4! CHECK IT OUT!!
I edited the prologue, you can check it on the link above!
Just uploaded a snippet of "Episode 5: Wandering Two" Please check it out and sorry for the wait! I've just been incredibly busy but hopefully I can start getting back on track. Thank you to those who are loyal and are pushing through this long journey with me!!
Just uploaded the FINISHED "Episode 5: Wandering Two" Please check it out! "Episode 6: First Week " coming soon!!