@Dawnaxis said in JNC Writing Group Review Thread - For All But Three Stars in the Sky:

Name of the work: “For All But Three Stars in the Sky”
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NUIB5QRExaK22nrUsFOAnYri9RziPsGsXEk6qbPDg7c/edit?usp=sharing

A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer:

Is the premise of this story actually interesting and engaging to you as a reader?
The premise interesting and engaging and well executed through 7 chapters.

Does my writing spend too much time on the internal monologues of the viewpoint character(s)?
I enjoyed the internal monologues—I have no idea if anyone else will—but they helped give the main character personality and depth.

Does the story feel like it’s progressing at a reasonable pace?
I am not sure—it may be a little slow, but I enjoy being around the main character—it is almost like a slice-of-life to me

Does it feel like it’s waffing about and needs more direction than it’s currently shown so far?
Really need to see further chapters to know for sure.

What would you most like to see happen next, or have the story address next? (Assuming you’d be interested in reading more of this story to begin with, which might not be true.)
More than anything, I want to be surprised by what happens next?.

Do the various characters feel at least somewhat distinct so far? Should I be working harder to differentiate them during the scenes that have been written already?
Yes, the characters feel distinct. Are there any characters you particularly like or dislike so far? I like the MC, and don't have problems with the rest. And any other advice you’d like to share would be welcome.
You write the MC very well. The prologue was less well written, as was the summary above—those are minor things—but they are there—and may influence folks getting into your story at all. I will try to think of more to say later.
(Please feel free to comment on as much or as little above as you’d like.)

@Dawnaxis I might take out the bit about the “the church being tolerant” thing—but I think I will wait and see what the rest of the story looks like—I have removed my original ending and have decided to add many more chapters. But it does serve a purpose—the Reverend Mother is (possibly) the nicest adult in the book—and while it is okay for the reader feel a bit of respite from stress when Cassandra is with her—I don't necessarily want the reader to feel safe when Cassandra is in church.

While the evil priest is not really isn't in that many scenes, he is supposed to be menacing when he is there. Not knowing what his boundaries are adds to that. (It's funny that something like Bookworm doesn't just hint at pedophile priests—but doesn't come off nearly as dark. That’s not an argument, just an observation. Just thinking about how to achieve that balance in the reader).

@Alfaerin

Hi there. As someone who like the originals, I do think these new versions have slightly more 'personality' and verve. Nebulous feedback to be sure but I think the edits work well and the unique relationship between Elise and her mother is better demonstrated.

There is still a sense of place about the new chapters and the characters. The 'meat' of the story is slightly better cooked and the surrounding 'sauce' has a few more chillies to give it some punch (I should never review works before dinner).

Without going back and doing a comparison, this is basically based on my memory of the original and comparing it with versions now. Effectively, it feels stronger but that could be my memory cheating.

The new 'tightness' doesn't lose the storytelling but does help the reader trip along at a better pace. The first chapter in particular benefits from the tweaked pace.

Not that the previous version dragged - just that this is probably more 'commercial'/saleable. The hook or point of difference felt more pronounced in the latest edit.

You've definitely got something here so keep writing.

Name of the work: “For All But Three Stars in the Sky”
https://forums.j-novel.club/topic/8084/jnc-writing-group-review-thread-for-all-but-three-stars-in-the-sky
Approximate word count: Approx. 19,740 so far
Short description of the work:
An MMO character is summoned to another world… without the player who created her.

An existence where Secia has actual autonomy over her own thoughts and actions takes a lot of getting used to. Not to mention the monumental task of trying to comprehend a world that obeys very different fundamental laws than those she expects. But while Secia is preoccupied with trying to make sense of her new reality, her disappointed summoners are ready to write her off as a dud. They’d much rather Secia be their willing puppet than her own person.

Join Secia on her journey of self-discovery as she fights her summoners’ expectations, brainwashed cultists, political machinations, monstrous hordes, and that greatest of horrors known to all mankind: self-serving bureaucracies.

She might not possess the unrivaled power her summoners wished for, but she just might possess a soul.

Potentially Sensitive Content(?):
Not entirely sure what might qualify, and much of the story remains to be written. But LGBTQIA+ identities and relationships appear in this story, and some of the themes involved touch on or will touch on dealing with depression and mental trauma.

Additional Info:
This is very much a work in progress, an unfinished story, by someone who has never written a novel before. And while I did outline a plot for this story before I began writing it (which is what the synopsis above is based on), what I actually wrote has been drifting more and more from that outline as I’ve put more words to the page. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to try and wrangle the story back onto the path of my original outline. But if I don’t, then I’m not sure where the plot is actually heading anymore, and therefore what scene(s) should come next.

The place I’ve written to so far and left off at feels like a crossroads, one where the story could easily go in multiple directions. And I’ve been feeling stuck as a result, unsure of which direction to take it next. (Also, I’m feeling increasingly baffled about just how, exactly, Secia is going to get out of this stupid tower I’ve written her into.)

Also, I’ve never uploaded or shared a document through Google before, so my apologies if there are any technical hiccups. If you run into any issues, please let me know and I’ll fix them as best as I can.

A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer:

Is the premise of this story actually interesting and engaging to you as a reader? Does my writing spend too much time on the internal monologues of the viewpoint character(s)? Does the story feel like it’s progressing at a reasonable pace? Does it feel like it’s waffing about and needs more direction than it’s currently shown so far? What would you most like to see happen next, or have the story address next? (Assuming you’d be interested in reading more of this story to begin with, which might not be true.) Do the various characters feel at least somewhat distinct so far? Should I be working harder to differentiate them during the scenes that have been written already? Are there any characters you particularly like or dislike so far? And any other advice you’d like to share would be welcome.
(Please feel free to comment on as much or as little above as you’d like.)

Made some edits to the full version after receiving feedback.
I'm pretty sure the link I provided is still good, but just in case here it is, https://docs.google.com/document/d/12v0ZMkLt2nu2tUoV7hYIbWUJpOPB5XZ2ONqvHA1tS78/edit?usp=sharing
The word count is now 58,965 while all the other information remains the same.

Name of the work
En Passant Grandmaster

Approximate word count
58,965

Short description of the work
A chess-themed novel I plan to enter in the next JNC contest. The novel focuses on the members of a chess club (mainly the main female lead and the main male lead) in Kawaguchi Saitama Japan facing off against members of an underground chess league that can force people to play them in chess death games. Game logs are also provided for reader convenience.

A list of questions you would like reviewers to answer
Mainly to identify parts that are filled with too much dialogue and could be written better, if you think the story itself is good, and if the story is properly paced.

Trigger warning if your novel deals with sensitive subjects
Violence, bullying, abuse, cursing, and some edgy dialogue.

@jazzyjeoff
Sadly I do not have many people to proofread it, and only one of them who did was english native. So... uh, yeah, thats the reason I wanted to upload it in the first place.

And I already have started reading your work yesterday. I had once played with the thought of making something similar to your two minds, but abandoned it since writing two minds at once is too difficult for me, so props to you

@jazzyjeoff
Thanks for the feedback. I never really thought about location as many series I've read/watched tend not to tell the audience that.
I do agree with you that the second paragraph does sound better to start with.

@Damon-Cavalchini Dangit! I liked that line! But you’re right—I don’t think Mia would say it —she would definitely think it—but she is too much of a coward/nice person to say it to someone’s face. I suppose I could have her think it—and then have her say something that could be interpreted as nice—but then it wouldn’t be as funny. Doubble-dangit!

@jazzyjeoff

Hi there,

Thanks.

Feel free to jump in and review. I’ll collate the feedback in my working file version.

@heimdal7 said in How common is it for a ongoing series with multiple volumes out already to have no corrections notifications updates in well over a year?:

The point for the prepubs on site that members can read is for crowdsourcing quality checking for errors before the downloadable version you buy is released.

It sounds like you've drunk a bit too much of the koolaid. The point of the prepubs is primarily to give members an early preview of the translation, quality be damned.

True, early on JNC could leverage it for crowdsourced QC while developing their processes. But now that they're no longer a particularly small publisher (at least in the JP LN translation space they compete in), crowdsourced QC is only one small factor of many. Which, as you note, means that it doesn't factor into some translations.

Let’s keep it to books and their usage of slavery as much as possible.

We are all going to play this very close to the chest. No deviations.

I do feel offering a 100 coin discount for the first volume or two (depending on how long running the series is) of all series currently on catch up would be a good idea. It would encourage people to buy what they’re already dry reading for free and also allow you to pick up the first volume of a series you didn’t have time to get to. Outside of the back end time it would take to set something like this up I don’t see a downside.

My dude, stop worrying about what other people think about what you read or your interests lay and just enjoy them. At the end of the day you'll impress far more people with your enthusiastic enjoyment rather than worrying about what anyone thinks. Most people's opinions don't matter. Consider the manga My Dress Up Darling, people will come along who appreciate your jam, just look for them.

@JeweledPoisonousButterfly someone else will fill the void. Unless becomes prohibited by the expense.

I think if the author just included a few extra chapters about epilogue and maybe allowed White to you know stick around with the rest of the cast for a little bit before being swiped off to be with D then it would have been all right. If the climax had been made into two volumes instead of trying to shove everything into one it would have felt more natural.

@SomeOldGuy said in RightStuff soon to be no more:

My attitude towards them changed after the original ownership change. At that time, I'd had 60-100 items in my watch list, pretty much adding everything as it was posted. I also stopped mentioning them here as a source.

The first big reputation hit for me was when they started pushing ‘shipping insurance’ on every sale - and then when I actually needed to use it, when a blu-ray case got fractured in shipping, they really didn’t want to replace it, and I had to make a fuss.

The first announcement cancelled all "adult" stuff, That was kind of understandable. I wonder if the separate site they set up to handle that stuff still exists?

Yeah, that was a worrying moment, but as you say, understandable.

Then I cut back when the "intermittency" of shipping hit, and started only ordering stuff when it was marked as "in stock", rather than "released but on backorder".

…oh boy, that’s wonderful. X.x I hadn’t even noticed, because my orders with them had dropped way down.

Today, I cleared everything off my list that wasn't in stock today. Fortunately, that included the third AoaB fanbook and a few other "releasing soon" titles. (That's one of the big things I liked about RS... Getting things when they were on the shelf, even if they weren't scheduled to be released for a bit.)

For me, it’s going to be checking all the Nozomi series they have licensed themselves, and see if there’s anything I can’t live without and grab while there’s a chance. (This really sucks. Their releases of old-school anime - Tylor, Dirty Pair, Utena, Nadesico, etc. - set quality standards at the time, and even now they were one of the best.)

@Jon-Mitchell honestly, I personally prefer the interface of the mobile website compared to the app. I like being able to look at the calendar to see what's coming up later in the day compared to just seeing the recent releases. The app is good, and if it was all that was available I'd probably use it, but I have a preference for the website so I tend to ignore the app. They might feel similar.

@heimdal7 Check out this topic:

https://forums.j-novel.club/topic/7300/unable-to-read-manga-on-a-pc-light-novels-are-ok

Short answer: Calibre isn't really a great option for reading manga and there are many other better readers, but there are some settings you can try to tweak.

@BookManiaReader Just to add on, the man died a hero if that bit of info wasn't known.