General thing all around that I've been noticing: Ciel and Vincent always refer to Mitia as master, but shouldn't that be mistress since she's, y'know, female?

42%
all while giving orders to his rioters-turned-agents subordinates.

I'm not sure whether this is proper grammar or not, but it sounds kind of awkward nonetheless. Perhaps something along the lines of all while giving orders to his subordinates, the rioters-turned-agents would be better?

67%
I stood in the kitchen, opened the Crimson Book, brought out all the necessary ingredients, and began making pudding. I started by putting sugar and a small amount of water in a pot. Using Medium-Heat Magic, I boiled the contents down until they turned a nice looking red; then I used Hot Water Magic to add hot water and make the caramel sauce.

Er, why is sugar+water turning red from being heated? This seems like either something is missing that should be included or it might have been mistranslated. After rereading it a few times, I would hazard a guess that red might be a mistranslation. Since she's making caramel sauce, I would speculate that it should probably be brown.

14.4

Aim for the center of its body! Right above the magicite!

“over”, “on”, “at”, or “into”
I'm sure the word used in the original is often translated as “above,” but that's not right in this context. “Above” means “up,” toward the ceiling, between the core and head.

It's interesting how English prepositions have varying frames of reference and coordinate systems. Like, “put pressure on the wound” follows the body no matter what rotations happen, but “hold the wounded limb above the heart” is relative to gravity no matter what happens to the body.

the golem’s arms freezed in midair and proceeded to crash against ground.

“froze”, “against the ground.”

smashing through an opponent rather than silencing and dicing them.

“slicing”

their bodies were as large as a double bed on its side.

“stood on end.”
I mean, unless they're supposed to be wider than they are tall. Or did you mean “their torsos were as tall as a double bed is wide”? An odd unit of measurement, but the scale would work.

It’d be a pain in ass if we

“pain in the ass”

V1P8
~0%

“R-Right. But I mean, if I gave him some food I’d made...do think I’d be bothering him?”

Missing word? do think->do you think

~13%

pulling a large wagon behind him as he disappeared into the crowd .

Extra space? crowd .->crowd.

~27%

The captain turned to his second-in-command for support “Right?”

Missing comma? support “Right?”->support, “Right?”

~53%

When he arrived, couldn’t help but look surprised at the storm of activity.

Missing word? arrived, couldn’t->arrived, he couldn’t

~80%

As he spoke, kept his gaze facing firmly ahead to avoid seeing the reaction on Kansuke’s face.

Missing word? spoke, kept->spoke, he kept

V3P4, 5% “Lakya drooped her head” - Rakya

20%: “A small scrap of paper in between the diary [pages].”

V5P1

18%: "Allen causing such a disaster had beget so many" -> begotten 18%: "Naturally, we’d want to avoid visiting if you could." -> we'd and we or you'd and you, but probably you'd and you 36%: "a quest to deliver the Claira" -> extra "the" 36%: "battle with those monsters out of my own volition" -> out of my own... 45%: "Indeed. It’s been [x] since you ran away, I believe." -> x = "a while" or "x months" or ?? 64%: "But you can only go so far with teleportation magic at one," -> "at one casting" or "with one casting" or "per casting" or "with each casting" 82%: "Merlin had felt the blood rush from her face." -> drain

a1v7p20 ~4%

"Ya wanna know [...] it just regenerated.

Missed the ending quotation mark.

[...] is its definin' trait.' In fact, [...]

I think the ' after trait doesn't belong.

v7p7 ~65%

[...] I didn't mean I was any less jealous.

Might this supposed to be it didn't mean?

~85%

I continue to ignore him, sulkily [...]

Should be continued.

V13 P11 (92% - 8th & 7th lines up from bottom of page)

"Guido and Jonas were playing so that Wolf could one again experience the game he loved to play as a child,"

Correct "one" to "once" for better syntax.

e.g., so that Volf could once again experience...

v1p7 ~96%

[...] training sessions, " I murmured [...]

Has a stray space after the comma.

v1p8

89% - Tena -> Tenan

V8.2 P16
61%
By now, several weeks since he'd personally seen Akira last. -> presumably should be, "several weeks had passed"

v5 p11

~28%

“But don’t forget about the third of us know: suspicious red robes.”

Should that be now ?

~30%

<I guess that’s good, not standing out. We can enjoya relaxing trip without being disturbed,> Leah said.

=> enjoy a

~56%

<No, I do something different there,> Lyla replied. <There I try to control the Merc Guild by way of isolating it from the rest of the world. As a result of that they don’t use any paper if at all there, actually, so that method wouldn’t work.>

Something awkward about that sentence. Should it be something like they don't use much paper if any at all there or maybe just they don't use any paper at all there ?

v18p7 ~85%:

Sooner than I thought, the day had one.

one -> come.

V5 P1 P10 (50% - 9th line up from bottom of page)

"So if the waterways weren't the reason the military were the military breaking our doors down, then what was?"...

Replace redundant words the military on the sentence.

e.g, So if the waterways weren't the reason the military were breaking our doors down,..

V18P1

31% However, that wasn't wall ->Presumably that wasn't 'all'.

V7P5 ~50%

Even if you broke through one, if you had another [...]

I guess that should be the enemy instead of the first you, or a passive construct like Even if the first was broken through.

~80%

[...] leaving you at a disadvantage..

Should probably have only been one period.

V7P6 ~31%

[...] there was a fair chance it would give the Empire an advantage [...]

Actually, it would give the Kingdom of Rocourt an advantage if they sent more troops. Except maybe in the front in Benima, but then a lot of the other parts in this paragraph fall apart, as that would still not be detrimental to Rocourt and their current war against the Empire.

~81%

"Still I'm feeling utterly exhausted," Fabio said, uncannily. "Still, I'd be leagues improved [...]

The first replay of Carmine's inner monologue in spoken is amusing. The second "still" Fabio says, though, feels off; a yet or similar would feel much more natural.

v5 p6

~60%

“Now then, we’ve finished introducing our new members, so allow me to explain our strategy again. Look at this.” At the front of the conference room was a large magical projector displaying a blue screen with green dots of various sizes. It looked like a map of the countries in the Blue Sea Union and the surrounding ocean. “We are currently in the Gilded Land. This area is the Black Sea, which is the Infernal Demonic Beast’s territory—and our destination.”
At the bottom right of the sea chart, a black stain was spreading. It was the region of the ocean that had been corrupted by the miasma Vepar exuded. We called it the Black Sea or the Schwarz Meer. There were several islands in the Black Sea, but I heard that they were inhospitable to human life.

Bit of a subtle point here, but since the second paragraph is being paraphrased from Eugene's first person point of view, that should probably be It was called the Black Sea... or Claude called it the Black Sea... (assuming Claude is speaking) or maybe We heard it was called... .

v3p12 ~66%

[...] my father asked in a whisper. . "Also [...]

Has an extra period and space.