[8%] he just kept going, ‘Lady Noah, Lady Noah’.” ► Move the period inside the single quotes.
[57%] of the group and spoke with awe and enmity, ► Paragraph ends with a comma, merge the following dialogue into it or use a colon.
[87%] “You know what this is?!” Noah asked her. ► It should be that to match Aira's dialogue.
I felt this section was probably fine because it's a simple back and forth, back and forth:
The back and forth did actually feel fine, I felt the most uncertain right after a narration break, where I wasn't certain if it was alternating to the next person, or them resuming after a pause. I think those two minor lines fix things greatly so that someone won't have to flip back a page to reorientate.
[32%] dodging, and counter attacking—both ► It should be counterattacking (no space) or counter-attacking (hyphen).
[34%] is important, but the a helmet’s shape is ► Remove either the or a.
[95%] That was proof of their acknowledgement. ► It should be acknowledgment (US spelling).
[1%] I’d managed to sooth his anger. ► It should be soothe.
[35%] carried some grave implication ► Missing period.
[36%] “Understood?” asked Sir Leonhart ► Missing period.
[40%] Now that Sir Leonahrt was at the ► It should be Leonhart.
[82%] position. Naturally, If Klaus knows, ► It should be if (lowercase).
[8%] the situation in Orta was clamer, Prince Gracius ► It should be calmer.
[41%] contain that chaos like Lorencio I did, and make ► Remove I.
[59%] nothing but a violent free-for-fall where might ► It should be free-for-all?
[91%] was looking at him he was an ordinary person. ► It should be like he.
[5%] them muttered a “just keep an eye out then”. ► Move the period inside the quotes.
[31%] Gil, if it please you. It’ll please me, at least. ► The dialogue's closing double quote is missing.
[44%] and influence almost rivalled the emperor’s, ► It should be rivaled (US spelling).
[52%] “This is... My, where am I?’ ► The dialogue's closing double quote is a single one.
[79%] What does our mushroom sense tell us? ► The dialogue's closing double quote is missing.
[93%] manual dexterity that rivalled the sleights of ► It should be rivaled (US spelling).
[22%]: "We were soon upon the entrance for ourselves." I don't think "for" is needed there.
[30%]: "It didn't work?! Did this particular chimera have a little demon in it?!" Why only italicize part of the line?
[59%]: "Boohoohoo," Luke wept suddenly in response to my comment. If Luke really did suddenly break out in tears here, it might be better to replace "Boohoohoo" with something else, omit it entirely or at least follow it with an exclamation mark. Maybe it's just me, but I've never seen this particular onomatopoeia outside of sarcastic comments, which is why this line confused me at first.
[67%]: This part stuck out because it's basically a page's worth of dialog with zero descriptive text. Around the end of it I was starting to get confused about who was saying what.
“I began working for someone younger than me in devs.”
Akinori, who had been screaming to himself in an obvious attempt to convince himself had fallen speechless, petrified from head to toe, his gaze beholding Baba, who shook, his fastened tightened so hard his nails dug into his palms, tears streaming from his eyes.
“Akinori, who had been screaming in an obvious attempt to convince himself, [comma,] had fallen speechless, petrified from head to toe. [period.] His gaze beheld the shaking Baba, whose clenched fists were cutting nail marks into his palms, tears streaming from his eyes.”
If president Oya wasn’t there to tell me what to do...
I forget whose name this is… it's not really clear how many “presidents” are in this paragraph.
the president’s secretary told me not to, and the president is frozen and won’t say anything.
@kevin-s I'd be a bit wary of using regnant, mainly because as a qualifier, it usually is intended to indicate a woman, such as a queen or empress, rules not by virtue of her marriage as a consort, but by being the person actually inheriting the royal/imperial title. So the likes of Elizabeth II is a Queen Regnant of the United Kingdom. To call the grand empress dowager an empress regnant would carry the implication that she is the one actually seated upon the throne in an official capacity. While regents generally hold authority only by acting in the name of a minor sovereign, historically it isn't uncommon for said regents to continue holding substantial power even after the sovereign comes of age. And in China specifically, even those dowager empresses that continued holding power, by convention, there has only ever been one empress regnant, all the others have been referred to as empress regents even when they were exercising power on behalf of an adult sovereign.