V4P7

67%: "“W-Well, stop it!” she yelled, her face beat red." -> beet

@Shiroi-Hane - I think you mean V4P1 instead of V4P12, yes?

v7p15 ~69%

[...] and the neutral faction that was neither openly hostile toward him nor particularly friendly toward him.

The duplication of toward him feels ugly. I'd just drop the first occurrence.

v1p3 ~0%

[...] that they couldn't unable to abandon [...]

couldn't abandon or would be unable to abandon or wouldn't be able to abandon

~35%

My outrage piqued so dramatically [...]

Maybe peaked? There is no fitting meaning of piqued here.

v2p9 ~0%

They'd entered a tube that some brought [...]

Should likely be somehow.

~96%

"Well, after a half a year of [...]

The first "a" needs to go.

v2p8 ~97%

It seems I should leave this to you," [...]

Misses the opening double quotation mark.

v3p9 ~58%

Like I said , she's [...]

There's an extra space before the comma.

~85%

I think you're over reacting.

Overreacting should be one word.

~88%

Maybe she came in place of Diana?

Depending who is thinking this (and reasonable expectations about guard members, and information from the name), this might be better as he.

V13 P5, 60%
“Dorino, you stay here. I would like to make my rounds to everyone else too,” Gismond told him, so Dorino sat tight.
I don't think this is being used as a nickname, so Gismond -> Gismondo

62%
Doino couldn’t hold himself back from asking, “What if you don’t wake up from the dream? What if you’re just that hopelessly in love? What should you do then?”
Doino -> Dorino

V18 P1 (71% - 3rd line up from bottom of page)

alt text

Delete "the" for better syntax.

V18 P2 (0% - 7th line up from bottom of 1st page)

alt text

Rino is referred to as "she" or "her" throughout the 1st page.

Volume 2 Part 18
17% I know him, but we've never met. -> I know of him, but we've never met.
I believe this is probably the English version of what the author is trying to say.

Volume 4 Part 9
60% shrieked as shot -> shrieked as he shot
61% all had a similar aura to them, and they -> all had a similar aura, and they

@hornet65 oh sorry, they should be the same ranks. Should be earl

v2p9:

24% - sShe looked on the verge of tears -> Extra letter: She

v7p2 ~29%

[...] which will be impacted by the question of if imperial soldiers are with them or not.

"of if" sounds weird. Even though the whole sentence already starts with whether, I'd suggest to use

[...] which will in turn be impacted by the question whether imperial soldiers are with them or not.

~45%

[...] would put me on the same level as the Divinities their histories.

Likely missing an "of".

~71%

[...] barely contained by his oily was tough to look at.

His oily what? I am actually curious, as I could only imagine hair, which makes no sense.

~77%

[...] give off the vibes of someone's dirtbag landlord?

While it makes sense if you think long enough about it, just someone's would feel better, especially with "someone's" being used in the next sentence again

~90%

[...] the question of if [...]

I'd suggest whether again.

~100%

[...] that the Divinity were men among his concubines.

had instead of were? Or that there were men among the Divinities?

V5P1 0% - "Is there any point to the formalities after we've known each other so long?" Claude pointed out. "We meet every day." - I think this should actually be Sumire speaking

V8.2 P9, 78%

What reasons could she possibly have to reject her help?
her -> his

10.2:

Ann told Sara. And I met Rod and the other

Ann told Sara. "And I met Rod and the other

v7p3, ~61%

[…] eventually they'd little choice but to interact.

As a non-native speaker, this contraction threw me off in parsing the sentence. I'd appreciate if it was changed to an explicit they had, as I tried to expand to a they would that was incomplete, and not there.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't remember me. […]

Feels like the wrong tense. I wouldn't have been surprised fits better as the phrase as it is projects an expectation into the future, but the guard already recognized here.